Days Like These
by Brindabella
Summary: No one told Nick and Jen there'd be days like these. Together they navigate their marriage, their children, their careers and some of the toughest challenges they've ever faced. Will their relationship survive?
1. Chapter 1

**Days Like These**

Everybody thinks I've got it all

Nobody really does, do they?

I've got more than I deserve, more than I ever dreamed

Nick Buchanan walked through the front door of his home and listened. Were the children asleep already? No, he could hear their familiar rustlings in the bathroom and hallway as they scurried all over the place, desperately trying to avoid their bedtimes. He could hear Jen scurrying after them, trying every tactic to get them to go to sleep – but they all knew only one thing would ensure they'd hop straight under the covers and promise to go to sleep.

He walked silently towards Liam's bedroom and, leaving his briefcase leaning against the wall in the hallway right outside the little boys door, he stepped into the dimly lit room and stood imposingly in the middle of it, tall and with his hands in the pockets of his pants, his chest puffed out somewhat. "Why aren't you little monsters asleep yet?" he asked, his voice comically threatening.

The youngest child had already been squirming in his mother's arms, resisting her every effort to put him to sleep, and when he saw Nick he only squirmed further. Jennifer struggled and then rolled her eyes good naturedly and handed the two year old over to his father, a small smile creeping onto her features. She looked Nick in the eye as she bundled the child into his arms gratefully and stood on her tip toes to kiss him on the lips in greeting. "They're all yours," she smiled and walked from the room.

He smiled affectionately back at her then chased Liam from the dresser to his bed, the little boy squealing at the thrill and diving into bed with a flurry of arms and legs and racing car printed pyjamas. "We need a story," the boy sung out, his tone verging on whining.

Nick smiled again and placed Noah, the squirmer, on the bed beside his brother before reaching for a copy of Possum Magic off the bedside table – the old reliable favourite of the Buchanan family. He settled himself down beside the two boys on the pillow and had only read half the story before they were both asleep, their little faces peaceful, their voices no longer. Nick exhaled, only then letting his own tiredness kick in. He got up off the bed and placed the book back on the shelf before reaching back down to scoop up Noah and carry him to the neighbouring bedroom.

His fatherly duties done he finally trudged wearily towards the bedroom he shared with Jen and walked in only to find her sprawled out on the bed already, the clothes she'd been wearing all day still hanging from her sleepy limbs, her eyes closed, her hair fallen across her face in the dark. He smiled again at his wife and made quick work of changing into his pyjamas, not even possessing the energy to have a shower before he did so, and then crawled into bed beside her gratefully.

She stirred in her slumber as he shuffled in close to her and he leaned in to kiss her goodnight. She smiled in her kiss back and shrugged off her flimsy striped cardigan, throwing it behind her and onto the floor as Nick pulled the sheet up and around her shoulders and then hugged her into his hold. She settled there instantly, her arm stretching across his chest, one of her legs hooking around one of his at the bottom of the bed. It was only 7pm and the light outside had only just faded to a dark pinky dusk, but within moments they were both asleep.

_His eyes sprang open, his calm and deep sleep cruelly interrupted. There was no masking of the noises that were coming from the kitchen. The sounds of jars being shoved aside, vegetable drawers being opened, containers being shoved back into their spots in the fridge – it was unmistakeable. He unwillingly rose from the warm bed and followed the sounds._

_His wife sat in front of the open fridge door, cross legged, her expanding belly peeking out from the bottom of her fleecy pyjama top. She didn't even hear him walk into the room so she almost hit the roof when he spoke._

"_What are you doing?" he asked, looking at her like she was crazy. "It's 2:45 in the morning."_

"_Nick!" She put a hand to her heart and threw her head back slightly; relieved he wasn't some axe murderer creeping up behind her. "I'm hungry," she replied simply._

_He smiled and sat down on a kitchen chair just a few metres from her. He'd been expecting this for weeks, but hadn't expected it to come in the middle of the night. But it was cute nonetheless. _

"_Hungry for what?"_

_She got up off the floor. "I don't knowwwwwwwwwww," she moaned. She walked over to him and perched herself on his lap, giving him a quick peck on the lips. _

_He wrapped his arms around her waist and tried to read her crazy hormonal thoughts. _

"_Weetbix?"_

"_No."_

"_Vegemite?"_

"_Nah."_

"_Mango?" He hoped she wouldn't say yes to that one. They certainly had none of those in their fridge._

"_Nup."_

"_Oreos?"_

_Jennifer sighed. "Nup."_

_They sat in the kitchen for a few moments silently thinking. Then Jennifer suddenly jolted in his hold and grinned at him. _

"_You know what I reallllllly want?" she asked hopefully._

_Nick narrowed his eyes, knowing he probably wouldn't like it. "What?"_

"_Strawberries and icecream." She grinned, a twinkle in her eye now she had finally pinpointed exactly what it was she was craving._

"_Jen it's July! How can you possibly want icecream?" Nick was incredulous._

_She shrugged and stood up. "Please Nick? I really really am craving it."_

_He sighed. "Okay. I'll be back in a minute."_

_She smiled again and wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him hard. "Thanks Nick."_

_Ten minutes later Nick was wondering the aisles of the closest 7-11, knowing he would never be able to find fresh strawberries this time of year, especially not in a convenience store. He frowned and walked towards the freezers at the back of the store. His eyes scanned the shelves and landed upon an extravagantly priced tub of strawberries and cream gourmet icecream. It would have to do. A few minutes later he was back inside his car, the heater cranked, his breath puffing out in front of him, and on his way back to his pregnant wife._

_When he returned, he walked back into the bedroom via the kitchen to grab a spoon. He stopped at the doorway and narrowed his eyes. _

"_Jennifer Kate Buchanan you better not be asleep." He looked at her body huddled under the covers, only her head showing._

_Jennifer's face broke out into a childish grin she couldn't contain, then she opened her eyes and their whites shone in the little light that lit the room, letting Nick know immediately that she was definitely still awake._

"_Good," Nick stated, handing the plastic bag to her. He slid into the warm bed beside her and watched as she fished her hand into the bag. "I couldn't find any strawberries," he admitted, not as apologetic as he probably should've been. _

_Jennifer read the label on the tub of icecream and shook her head, unfazed. "No this is perfect." She squeezed his arm affectionately. "Thanks Nick."_

_He'd been so tired, and so unhappy about being woken in the middle of the night, but she just looked so damn delicious and gorgeous right then that he couldn't possibly be anything but completely head over heels for her. He settled amongst the pillows and watched her eat a few spoonfuls. _

_The activity of going out into the cold to the 7-11 had completely woken Nick up, and her craving meant she was more concerned with eating than sleeping, so they sat and talked as she ate. Their conversation stretched until almost 5am and went far and wide._

"_Do you remember where you were on September 11?" Nick asked her. She nodded eagerly, licking the spoon and able to answer as if it were yesterday._

"_Do you remember your first call out as a uniform?" Jennifer asked Nick. He nodded slowly: that was something a young recruit never forgot._

_But eventually, neither could keep their eyes open much longer, and descended into sleep for the last few hours of night time. She burrowed in closely next to him, hooking her leg around one of his, joining their slumbering bodies infinitely._

"Dad Dad Dad Dad Dad Dad Dad Dad."

The little voice came complete with a poking little finger, incessantly prodding at Nick's bicep. He opened one eye and found Liam a lot closer to his face than he'd anticipated.

"Get up," the child demanded, his blonde hair sticking out in ten different directions.

"Mate it's way too early to be out of bed," Nick said quietly, so wanting to remain in the toasty confines of the bed for just a little longer.

"No it's not."

_God the kid was stubborn_ he thought wryly. Did they get that from Jennifer or from him?

"Yes it is," Nick argued back. He slipped his arm out from underneath the blankets and grabbed him, pulling him into the bed. The boy giggled and writhed about in his father's grip before surrendering to the hold after a few moments. He rolled himself over Nick's stomach to be in between both his mother and his father in the bed and snuggled into them, settling in to sleep again quickly.

Jennifer shifted beside them, and without even opening her eyes, swept Liam's hair back from his forehead and stroked his neck with her fingers, lulling him into sleep with her touch. Nick watched her ability to pacify the four year old so easily, and couldn't help but smile, proud of the way he and Jennifer parented their children. It hadn't always been easy, but they'd managed to survive so far.

_Nick's heart had just started to beat faster as his hands roamed her body. His skin felt hot and his desire ran wild as he kissed her collarbone. _

"_Nick."_

_He ignored her at first._

"_No Nick, stop." _

_He pulled away. Her voice was different. He looked at her and the skin that had a moment ago been heated now was slapped into a chill when he saw the look on her face. _

_She couldn't hide her wince of pain as she shrunk away from him on the bed. Her hand went to her waist, and she looked more frightened than he'd ever seen her._

"_Jen." Nick sat up hurriedly beside her, his thoughts of passion and lust completely evaporated from his mind in an instant. "What's wrong? What is it?" He didn't know where to touch, where to hold her, if he should hold her at all._

_Her voice wobbled. "I don't know." She looked at him with fear present in her eyes. She looked so tense, Nick observed, like she was preparing every muscle in her body to protect herself from any pain. "I don't know," she said again. She turned away from him and sat gingerly on the edge of the bed, placing her bare feet on the carpet and just sat for a moment. _

_Nick immediately scurried over to sit beside her and looked her in the eye worriedly. He read her mind, just like that. "You're only thirty six weeks."_

"_I know," she replied. They looked at each other, not knowing at all what to do until another wave of pain hit Jennifer. She threw her chest forward and opened her mouth in a silent scream, the pain so intense she couldn't conjure up sound. But a tear squeezed out the corner of her left eye, evidence enough to Nick that there was something wrong._

_He leant forward and pulled her cheek gently to face him and questioned her with his eyes. She nodded fearfully back at him. _

"_Take me to hospital."_

Nick leant over Liam's head and poured milk into his bowl as he kicked the fridge door shut with his foot at the same time. Across from them, Noah banged his spoon on the table of his high chair with one hand and flung mushy weetbix onto the floor with the other. Nick looked around for Jennifer, wanting help, but she was nowhere to be seen, so instead he placed the milk jug in the middle of the table out of reach of both the boys and then turned to the sink to grab the sponge to clean up that day's Noah mess.

As he soaked the sponge with water he smiled to himself. It was only 7am but he already felt like he and Jennifer had been up for hours, dashing about after their boisterous boys. But Nick liked it that way. He liked how it never stopped, how there was rarely a moments peace, how Liam and Noah just went bang bang bang from sunrise to sunset. It made their household feel alive. Alive and kicking. He'd never felt like this before children, but he loved it. It hadn't started out easily – that night, he'd never been more terrified than he had been that single moment Jen told him to take her to the hospital, and he remembered it so vividly it was like it was just yesterday – but they had come out okay.

_He helped her out the door, hovering around her like she was a celebrity and he was her bodyguard. She seemed determined to walk it off, but every few minutes she'd double over in pain and be forced to grab a hold of his arm to steady herself and not bring her to her knees. It made the walk from the front door to the garage a long one and she wished he'd just pick her up, knight in shining armour style, and fly her to the hospital. Because the pain was getting unbearable._

_When they finally reached the garage and Nick reached out to unlock and open the front passenger door wide for her she leaned on the cool metal of the car's frame and looked at her husband with eyes filled with tears. "What's happening Nick?" she squeaked out, petrified._

_He brushed a light hand over her cheek and gave her the most reassuring smile he could muster. He had to be honest. "I dunno," he whispered back before helping her to sit in the seat and do the seatbelt up across her body. She was still tense all over, a reaction fuelled by her fright and the new found pain she was dealing with. Just before he shut the door he spoke again. "But it's going to be all right, don't worry."_

_Jennifer couldn't smile back. She just watched him as he ran around to the driver's side and hopped in beside her. As he started up the car and reversed out of the drive way she rested her head back against the seat and when they were just minutes away from the hospital they'd not planned on coming to for another month at least, she spoke again, locking gazes with her equally terrified husband. "I'm scared," she whispered at a traffic light. _

_Nick's expression melted and he reached out to squeeze her hand. When they were a street away from their destination her hand jumped inside his and her eyes opened wide. Nick looked across at her, stricken, one of his hands still gripping the steering wheel. She suddenly looked very uncomfortable and very afraid. "Nickkkkk…"_

_He looked closer at her and realised what she'd just realised. _

_This baby was coming. Tonight._


	2. Chapter 2

Nick had found the advent of parenthood much easier and enjoyable than Jen had, he knew. Nick enjoyed every single moment with his boys, and had happily gone above and beyond to provide a nice home and a good environment for Jen and their children. He wanted to go out of his way to ensure they were bought up the way he'd always envisioned bringing up his kids, at the same time as wanting to take the utmost care of his family. He was the protector.

He'd give up all his comforts

Sleep out in the rain

If she said that's the way it ought to be

When a man loves a woman

I'd give you everything I've got

Trying to hold on to your precious love

For Jen it had been much more difficult. Her experience wasn't as rosy as his – he was just the Dad who went out and bought a Sherrin the moment he'd found out they were having a boy, the Dad who read the story at night, the Dad who played with the Tonka trucks and the Lego with his son. Jennifer did so much more than that. He knew her job as the mother was ten times harder than his as the father, and he sometimes struggled to show her his appreciation for her never ending efforts.

_Jennifer rubbed tiredly at her eyes as she fed Liam. She was seated on their bed, her motherly figure bathed in the morning sunlight that streamed in through the window. She'd gotten barely any sleep the night before, and Nick, not yet as attuned to the newborn's every whimper and sound as Jennifer was, as well as zonked from trying to fit in as much work at the office as possible the previous day, had slept through it all, not even flinching. In her tired state it made her seethe with jealous anger, but she kept her mouth shut, instead focussing her attention on their son in her arms._

_He bent down to kiss her forehead in farewell. "I've gotta go Jen," he said, completely unaware. _

_She nodded, not making a sound, nor looking up._

"_You all right?" he asked, standing in front of her for a moment._

_She nodded again._

"_Okay," he mumbled and made for the door._

_Her eyes brimmed with tears. Could he not even see that she needed a hand? That she was so tired she felt like a zombie? She let out a quiet sob of her own._

_But he heard it. He turned around and walked back to her. He sat at her feet and looked up to where she sat leaning against the head board. "What's up Jen?" he asked gently, placing a hand on her shin and giving it a gentle stroke._

_She struggled to get the baby settled comfortably at her shoulder to burp him. She looked at Nick wearily. She adjusted the baby once, then twice and frowned further at her husband. Finally she spoke up, airing her grievances. "I need help Nick," she insisted, wanting to burst into tears right there on the spot. "I'm not very good at this."_

_He looked at her, feeling guilty and selfish that he'd been about to run off to work right when she needed him. He reached for the unsettled infant and she handed him over willingly and watched with her hands in her lap as he tried to bring up the child's wind. _

_You're wonderful at this, Nick wanted to say._

_He continued to look at his wife worriedly and she shook her head lightly in further response, running a hand over her face, rubbing again at her eyes. Her line of vision remained low, focussed on the sheets as she confessed. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm just so tired."_

"_I know," he whispered back. "Don't apologise."_

"_I can't even remember what day it is Nick," she exhaled, resting her head back on the pillows and closing her eyes for a moment._

"_I know," he said again before standing up and walking around to the other side of the bed. "Lay down Jen, take it easy," he insisted gently._

_She did as he said and slid gratefully further down into the bedclothes and watched as he laid himself and Liam delicately down beside her. _

_He would be late for work today, but that was all right. His family needed him._

"Oh Noah," Jennifer sighed as she walked into the kitchen and spied the slushy light brown blob of cereal on the floor by his high chair.

Her voice made Nick turn around from the sink, shaken out of his reminiscing, the sponge still in his hand. He stepped over to the mess at the same time as Jen did and yelped out one second too late as she stepped directly into another splattering of weetbix she hadn't noticed. She lost her footing and slid, falling forwards, directly into Nick's arms. He caught her awkwardly, pressing the wet sponge into her side as the only way of keeping her upright.

Resiliently she bounced back within seconds and righted herself with Nick's help. She smiled gratefully at her husband. "I love breakfast time," Nick smirked at her, teasing.

She rolled her eyes back at him but couldn't stop her smile. Life was a juggling act these days, yet somehow they were making it work. And she was still determined to return to work soon. Somehow, she was going to make it happen.

Her plans to return to work had first been quashed when Liam was eighteen months old. She'd just started thinking about a return when she'd found out she was pregnant again. It had been a complete surprise, as they'd not really discussed having a second child, and were, after the initial first few horror months, having too good a time with their first born.

_Jennifer stared at herself in the bathroom mirror then turned to Nick, who was towel drying his hair behind her. "Nick, something's wrong with me." _

_He frowned over at her, continuing to dry his hair. "What do you mean?" he replied._

"_I don't know, I just don't feel right."_

_They both knew she hadn't been right all weekend. They'd gone to his parents little weekender a few hours out of Melbourne on Friday afternoon and right from the moment they'd pulled out of their drive way something hadn't been right. At first Nick had thought it was just the car ride, even though she'd never gotten motion sickness before, and even though they'd completed the journey many times in the past without incident. Besides, the weekender wasn't that far away. His parents had offered it up to them even before Liam was born, insisting the couple use it whenever they felt the need, as it was rarely used otherwise. Nick and Jen had gladly taken them up on the offer, and went down every few months for quick getaways. These quick getaways became less frequent after Liam was born, as there just weren't enough hours in the day anymore, but they'd still been a few times in the last eighteen months._

_But Jen had looked pale all afternoon and she'd made him stop twice at service stations during the car ride, where she'd then disappear for ten minutes as he kept Liam entertained in the sunshine, wondering what on earth she was doing. Then she'd return, her eyes watery, a rank stench clinging to her. She'd kept the window down the whole rest of journey and then slept fitfully beside him on the Friday night after they'd arrived. _

_On the Saturday they got out into the sunshine and she seemed to do better, almost like she was back to her old self, laughing and having fun with Liam. It was such a change that Nick momentarily forgot about the day before. But then when he felt her toss and turn and groan beside him all of Saturday night, his worries had returned. And now it was Sunday night, and he was still worrying._

_They looked at each other. "Have you eaten anything weird?" he offered up, trying to think of the cause._

_Jennifer shook her head. "No," she answered, turning back to the mirror, studying her reflection critically. "It feels like…" her sentence faded off as it slowly dawned on her and she looked down at her stomach. "…like I'm pregnant."_

_Their looks met again and Nick tentatively smiled at her, waiting for her reaction first._


	3. Chapter 3

But now, now that Noah had had his second birthday; she was again giving Homicide some serious thought. She was still a cop – it was in her blood – and she wanted to return. She didn't know how it would go, now that she and Nick had a family to raise, but she wanted to try. Maybe it wouldn't be possible with two kids under five, but she wanted to find a way to make it happen.

She was not just a mother, she was a cop too.

As she took the sponge from Nick she got right down on her haunches and began wiping up the mess the toddler had created. _No use putting this stuff off_ she thought to herself as she wiped the floor and then up the legs of the high chair. Nick was right behind her with a wet cloth nappy, cleaning up their other sons cereal smeared face, and she turned around and they swapped cleaning weaponry like pros.

"Noah Noah Noah," Jen chuckled as she wiped clean his little face with the cloth, leaning into him.

He just grinned up at her in utter adoration, just like he had the day he'd come into the world.

"_Come on mate," Jen insisted, reaching for the towel for the third time, easing her body awkwardly around on the overturned plastic cube she was sitting on by the bathtub. Everything felt awkward these days as she entered her last month of pregnancy. It was an effort just to stand up, especially today. _

_Liam continued to splash around, ignoring her instructions. "You can't stay in there forever buster," she said, raising her eyebrows at him as she spread the towel across her lap and reached over to pluck him out of the water. He wriggled away, laughing at her, so sure it was all just a big game. But Jen was not in the mood._

"_Liam," she warned, reaching for him again. _

_But again he slithered away from her grip and to the opposite end of the tub. _

_Don't make me stand up, Jen pleaded inside her head. Come on._

_But she could tell he wasn't going to give her an inch. She hurled herself up to standing and bent purposefully over the bath water and plucked her two year old out of the warm water. He squealed and wriggled, protesting at her ending his fun. It only made the exercise harder, and her back hurt all the more._

"_Liam!" she exclaimed as he writhed from her hold and ran out of the bathroom, dripping wet and stark naked. He ran face first into Nick's knees as he stepped in to the hallway outside the bathroom to see what all the commotion was about._

"_Hey there matey, where do you think you're going?" he grabbed hold of the child's right arm, not letting him go any further. He looked over at Jen, leaning gratefully on the vanity, her hand at her tailbone, her fringe in her eyes. She looked back at him, defeated. _

"_Can you get him dressed?" she pleaded. _

_Nick nodded, walking towards her with the unhappy little boy. "Sure, just let me put the ute away first." He handed the lock he had on Liam's forearm over to her, but she was reluctant to take it._

_She shook her head. "Please Nick! Now, before he runs through the whole house." She was losing her patience._

_But he'd already let go of Liam's arm, having expected her to take a hold of their son, and Liam was off like a shot, down the hallway and into his bedroom, diving straight into the toy box. Jennifer just looked at Nick, pissed off. Then she sighed and brushed past him, hoping her annoyance was obvious and walked towards the bedroom where she could already hear Liam babbling away to his toys._

_Nick frowned, wondering why her rope was so short today. He followed her into the boy's bedroom and saw her pull a face as she bent over to lift Liam up. "Is it your back?" he asked dumbly from behind her. She looked at him but didn't answer, so he tried to brush it off, not knowing the truth either way. "Can't be that bad Jen. You've done this all before." He smiled at Liam, who grinned devilishly back at his father._

_That did it. She lumped the child into his arms and tried to stop the steam coming out of her ears. "You have no idea how uncomfortable I am and how much my back hurts right now Nick," she snapped, throwing the towel she'd had over her arm around the exposed back of their child. "No. Idea."_

_And with that she stormed out of the room, leaving their wriggling two year old to him._

_Half an hour later, when he finally had Liam settled and asleep, he went to find Jennifer. He found her lying on her side on their bed, the television on the dresser humming quietly in the corner of the room. But she wasn't really watching it, he could tell. He knelt onto the bed behind her, crawling up to be at her back._

"_I'm sorry Jen," he whispered into her ear._

_She didn't answer. Nick rubbed his hands over her lower back, massaging it gently. He felt her muscles relax almost instantly and she rolled slightly backwards into his hands, letting out a sigh as she did so._

"_How is it?" he asked as he continued to knead his fingers and knuckles into her skin._

"_Killing me," she groaned, not turning around to answer._

_Noah lay tucked tightly in her arms, swaddled up in a blue blanket so that only his face was showing. He'd just spent his first hour of life crying his lungs out, but now was calm, yet not so calm that he was asleep. He just stared up at Jennifer, the tiny blue eyes on his puffy face sparkling like the peaks of the ocean. She couldn't take her eyes off him as they shared a private moment, just mother and child, and his beauty made her forget all the pain she was still in, and all the pain that was probably still to come._

_Suddenly she heard a stampede of little running footsteps that could be no one else's but Liam's. She looked up and to the doorway with a smile on her face – Nick had made good time going back to his parents and picking Liam up. He'd not been gone long at all, and she was pretty sure this had a lot to do with Liam's over excitement about his new sibling._

_The footsteps stopped and Jennifer leaned her head to the left, looking out the open door of her hospital room. There she caught a glimpse of Nick, kneeling down in front of Liam and talking to him earnestly, holding one of his hands, controlling the excitement of the two year old. Then he straightened up and still holding Liam's hand, led him into the room where Jen and Noah sat quietly._

_Nick beamed at Jen the moment he saw her and leaned down to kiss her as soon as he was close enough before he hoisted Liam up and held him out over the newborn, introducing them. _

_The toddler was fascinated, and instantly reached out to touch his brother with a chubby hand. Jen guided his inquisitive hand to the baby's soft head and let him feel the warmth there as Nick spoke quietly. "Gentle mate," he instructed softly._

_Jen caught Nick's eye as the two boys got to know each other and smiled, satisfied and happy. Jennifer knew she'd not been easy to live with whilst she'd been pregnant._

_Three men in my life, she thought to herself. Pretty lucky._


	4. Chapter 4

_Their first night home had been an experience, and when Nick's parents offered to take Liam for the night on the second day Jennifer felt unparalleled relief. Even though Liam was almost two and a half now, she felt like she was suddenly looking after two babies, instead of one baby and one child. It was a scary thought. The bubble she and Nick had let themselves live in until she'd fallen pregnant with Noah had burst for good now. They'd naively thought that since they were so in love as a couple, since her first pregnancy had been relatively worry free, since Liam was so much the light of their lives, that the experience with Noah would be just as rosy. _

_But they were wrong. Because the pregnancy had been hell. The delivery had been long and hard. The sweet afternoon when they'd introduced Liam to his new brother was the only moment of rosiness that they'd been able to snaffle in ten months. Because Noah was a crier. Jennifer felt like he cried more than he did anything else. She cradled his head protectively as she washed him in the bright red bathtub they'd set up on the kitchen table. The water was the right temperature, she knew her handling was correct, yet he wailed like she was killing him. She looked around her in a panic._

_Nick walked back into the room as she was looking around and gave a cheeky smile. "I've shut all the windows so the neighbours can't hear and think we're abusing him." He chuckled quietly._

_Jennifer did not appreciate the joke. "Am I doing something wrong?" she fretted to him, frowning down at the tiny infant. "Liam wasn't like this!"_

_Nick walked up behind her and put his chin on her shoulder, gently grazing the skin of his cheek against hers. His right hand went to her hip and his left snaked around her and towards Noah. He stroked the newborn's head, feeling the intense heat of the child's squealing and crying underneath his touch._

_He and Jen both looked at the baby and then Nick stepped over to stand beside his wife. He slipped his hands around the baby. "Let me try," he said calmly to her. "You go and lie down, have a cuppa or something."_

_Jen dried her hands, feeling like a failure. "Okay," she mumbled, walking out of the room and into their bedroom, the furtherest room from Noah's cries. She could hear Nick talking to him as she defeatedly walked away, murmuring reassurances in an effort to stop his crying. But as she lay down on the bed, heaving a sigh as she threw her arms against the pillows, she could hear the baby continue to wail. Where does he get the energy? Jennifer wondered. She closed her eyes._

_Ten minutes later they sprung open again, but not because of the noise. Because of the silence. Had it actually been so quiet that she'd managed to fall asleep? Even if only for ten minutes? What had happened? She got up off the bed and walked out of the room, listening for any sounds of her family. She cocked her head and listened as she walked down the hall – the shower was running. What? She made her way towards the sound of the running water, casting an eye into the kitchen as she passed it, noting the empty baby bath and the absent towels._

_She pushed open the bathroom door and saw through the light steamy haze her husband and son behind the glass of the shower door. Nick held onto Noah tightly, cradling his neck protectively as the water cascaded down over them both. Nick's muscular arms and chest couldn't have been a greater contrast to the week old infant's spindly little limbs and tiny little hands and feet. But nothing really mattered except for the fact Noah wasn't crying. _

_Nick looked up and over at Jen and smiled adoringly at her, clutching his second son to his chest like he never wanted to let him go. "He loves it," he said over the sound of the water. "Throw that bath out. We're never using it again."_

_Jennifer could do nothing but laugh._

_Nick sat beside Duncan and watched him cradle Noah, trying to hold in his guffaw at the strange way a baby made the detective look. The room around them was filled with almost every member of the Homicide squad, who'd not been able to hold back any longer from seeing the newest Buchanan. They all talked excitedly about the infant, exclaiming over his size, his face, his eyes, his smell. They were besotted and couldn't stop saying so._

_Jen sat opposite Nick and Duncan in a slight daze. She was so pleased to see her colleagues, and to show off Noah, and she appreciated their gifts and well wishes, warm hugs and wide smiles when they'd fronted up at the house that afternoon. But the noise level was getting higher in the living room with every minute that ticked by. She knew Noah would soon rouse and probably start screaming his little lungs out again. Her chest hurt just thinking about the next feed. She desperately wanted to change her clothes and run a brush through her hair again. She wanted to shower and eat dinner before Nick's parents dropped Liam back. But she knew she'd be lucky to get even one of those tasks completed before the day was over._

_She stood up abruptly and excused herself, walking quickly from the room. The others looked after her, confused looks on their faces. When she was out of sight they turned back to look at Nick, concerned. He smiled reassuringly back at them, convincing them with just one look that Jennifer was still the strong, put together woman she was before she had children, and that they shouldn't be worried that she'd just dashed from the room._

_But he got up and left their colleagues in the living room to go and find her. He discovered her in their bedroom, leaning against the dresser, her hands clenching the wood finish tightly as she breathed in and out, staring at the floor between her feet. He walked silently up to her._

"_Are you okay Jen?" he asked softly._

_She shook her head and Nick leant backwards and closed the door then to give her more privacy. _

"_There're too many people here Nick," she confessed. "Just too many people."_

_Nick was already nodding, having already assumed that might've been the problem. He took her in his arms and hugged her tightly to his chest. She relaxed into his arms and closed her eyes, glad he understood._

_Within ten minutes Nick had ushered all their guests out the front door and he and Jen farewelled them on the veranda. She felt incredibly embarrassed at her little meltdown, even though they'd all completely understood and felt guilty at having crowded the new mother._

_Nick put an arm around her shoulders as they walked back inside. "It's okay Jen," he said quietly. "You've only been home three days. You're not superwoman."_

_She sighed and leaned in to him briefly. "I know."_

_Just half an hour later, as predicted, Noah woke, and the screaming bloody murder began again. They fed him, changed him, rocked him, wrapped him, tried everything they could think of to soothe him, but to no avail. Jennifer patted his back desperately as she paced the living room floor and looked painfully at Nick, totally at a loss. They thought they knew it all, having already had a baby before, but so far, Liam and Noah couldn't have been more different._

_Nick looked back at her just as painfully. His head was beginning to hurt from all the noise, and he knew it would only get louder when Liam returned in a few hours. They had to settle him before then. For their sanities sake._

_Then out of the blue Nick had an idea, and he ran from the room, promising to return. Jen exhaled, exasperated at him deserting her, but she could do nothing but continue to rock the infant in her arms._

_A few minutes later Nick did indeed return, the phone to his ear and she wondered who on earth he could be wanting to talk to at such a time. She threw him a questioning look. He just smiled back and nodded eagerly at what the person on the other end was telling him. He covered the mouth piece with his hand and jutted his chin out, his face excited._

"_Mum's on the phone Jen," he explained._

"_So?" she tried not to snap, but the daggers in her eyes were getting clearer._

_He shook his head, shaking off her biting reply. "She reckons you need to lie down, and put him on your chest."_

"_What?" she asked, but she set about doing it only a second later, willing to try anything. She eased herself down onto the couch and placed their screaming child on her chest as he'd said. She draped a baby blanket over his already wrapped up body and then placed her hands on his back, keeping him safe and steady. _

_Nick watched over her like a hawk, his mother still hanging onto the other end of the telephone line, ready with advice. For a few moments, Noah continued to cry. Jen and Nick looked at each other, wondering if it was going to work. But slowly his screams turned to occasional cries, then to little whimpers until he was completely silent, at ease on top of Jennifer._

_She beamed over at Nick, her eyes bewildered and incredulous. She didn't dare move for fear of the screaming starting again. Nick smiled back at her and walked into the kitchen to say goodbye to his mother out of earshot. When he walked back in a few moments later he settled himself on the floor in front of Jennifer and Noah and grinned again at his wife._

"_Mum said the rising and falling of your chest and the way he's so close to you like this is what does it," he whispered, explaining the secret recipe._

_Jennifer smiled back, eternally grateful to experienced mothers everywhere right then – especially Therese Buchanan. "It's a miracle," she whispered back happily._


	5. Chapter 5

On Monday he'd suggested that since they had no plans for Easter that they go to the weekender for a few days over the break, let the boys loose and spend some time relaxing together and Jennifer had agreed, eager to get out of the city. It had been months since they'd gone to the Buchanan's cottage. She loved it there, and had said yes to Nick's suggestion immediately.

So that was how she found herself packing a small suitcase just after lunch on Thursday, taking the opportunity to do it while Liam and Noah were napping. She threw an assortment of clothes and shoes in, then padded round the house collecting everything else they would need to take with them and setting it by the front door, ready to leave the instant Nick returned from work.

Just as she was in the bathroom packing her toiletries into a wash bag, she heard the first rustlings of her nappers. It was Noah. He always woke first. The way he had been as a baby had carried on as he'd grown, and he was more often than not the first awake of the two boys, making noise and announcing his presence. He and Liam were so different – one loud, one quiet, one who loved showers, one who preferred baths, one who squealed for attention, one who happily steered his toy racing cars around the living room carpet for entire afternoons without making a sound.

Yes. It was definitely Noah that was awake. She walked out of her bedroom and towards his, realising as she walked that Nick had said he would pack his suitcase on Wednesday night, but hadn't. She rolled her eyes at no one as she walked down the hall. She supposed he'd just assume she would do it for him. Typical.

She entered Noah's room and found him standing up on his pillow, ready to do a flying leap towards her. "Don't even think about it," she said, walking towards him and grabbing him off the pillow and holding him upside down. He squealed with delight and begged to be let loose. She smiled and put his feet back on the ground, and he streaked out of the room, probably to wake up Liam, she thought to herself.

By 4pm she was almost ready, but had refused to pack a suitcase for Nick out of principle. She did everything else – packing bags for the boys and filling a cardboard box with pancake mix and coffee and an array of other staples she knew they'd need for a few days away. Around her the boys ran in and out, amusing themselves. Despite their different personalities they were the best of playmates, and Liam was fiercely protective of his little brother. She left them to it, knowing she'd only have to intervene if they started squabbling or someone started crying.

At 4:30pm her mobile buzzed and a message from Nick appeared on the screen.

_I'll be home at 5:30 at the latest. Can you please pack a bag for me? The traffic's going to be murder, so it'd be good to get going ASAP._

She threw the phone down on the bed, knowing he would ask that. She sighed and pulled another suitcase out from the closet. Just because she wasn't solving homicides everyday anymore, it didn't mean she wasn't doing a million and one things at home during the day. Sometimes she felt like Nick forgot this.

Jen sat on the couch, Liam on her left and Noah on her right. They watched Finding Nemo for the 34th time that week as she looked out the window, waiting for Nick's car to bundle down the drive way. It was already 6:10pm. _What happened to 5:30 at the latest Nick? _

"Where's Dad?" Liam pipped up, his attention drawn away from the television for a quick moment. He looked up at her adorably, and she felt her heart melt for a second.

She patted his knee and forced a smile onto her face. "He's just running late. He'll be home soon, and then we can go."

This seemed to satisfy the youngster, and he went back to watching the movie.

At 6:25pm Nick finally pulled into the driveway and both boys looked up excitedly. They bolted for the door and crashed into their father full force the second he opened it. "Hey buddiessssss," he greeted them. No matter how trying a day he'd had, Noah and Liam's evening greetings could always lift his spirits back up.

Smiling faces running to the door as I walk in

Saying 'Daddy's home, you were gone too long

What'd you bring me? Swing me. Let me show you what I did"

He squeezed them tight in a hug then straightened back up. He looked at the pile of bags and boxes stacked neatly by the door and then over at Jen. "Ready to go then hey?" he asked, smiling at her and the boys.

She wanted to snap back at him. _We were ready an hour ago. _But she held it back. It wasn't the way to start their little holiday. So instead she just nodded and moved forward to grab the bags, eager to get going.

By eight thirty they were rumbling slowly down the long pebbly driveway of the weekender in Nick's ute, all their possessions strapped securely into the back. The boys had long since fallen asleep in the back seat and from her front seat Jennifer smiled as the house came into view. She was so happy to be there – to escape the craziness of normal life for a while.

They both quietly went about pulling the boys from the backseat, wrapped like babies in their sleeping bags, and carrying their sleeping children into the house. They silently moved in unison to the bedroom that housed a timber bunk bed and entered without turning on the light. Nick moved towards the ladder at the foot of the bunk and stepped up onto the first wrung, placing Liam down and resting his head on the pillow. There was no need for blankets – that was why Jennifer had encouraged them to get into their sleeping bags for the drive. She knew they would be asleep by the time they reached the house. _God my wife's smart _Nick thought as he pulled up the guard rail at Liam's side and then stepped back down off the ladder and watched Jennifer lay Noah delicately on the bottom bunk, being careful not to jostle him in case it woke him. When she straightened back up he actually reached for her hand and they looked at their sleeping children for a moment, enjoying the peace around them. Then they turned and walked back outside to the car to unload the rest of their things.

Later Nick stoked up the fire place and they sat before it, allowing it to toast their extremities. He sat on the couch with Jennifer tucked under his arm and leaning into his chest, her breathing even and content. "It's been way too long since we've been here," he spoke up softly looking at the fire and stroking her shoulder with his thumb.

The Saturday and Sunday were filled with bushwalks, exploring of the nearby creek and kicking of the footy as the family unwound in the stress free environment so far removed from their home life. Neither Nick nor Jen wanted it to end, and as they bathed the children together on their last night and revelled in a water fight filled with squeals and laughter, Nick felt an incredible urge to be close to her. So when Liam and Noah were asleep he led her into their bedroom and closed the door.

Jennifer reached behind him and thinking like the parent she was, she pulled the door back open to half way so they could hear if the children cried out. Nick smiled. He should've expected she'd do such a thing. She was such a good mother. She never let her guard down, never wimped out, never faltered. She was there twenty four seven for their family. She smiled at him, excusing his slackness to listen out for the kids.

He kissed her in the dark confines of the tiny bedroom. It housed little more than a bed and a wardrobe, but they didn't need much space. She looped her arms around his neck and kissed him back, then slipped her hands under his shirt and lifted it up and over his head.

As they loaded up the car after lunch on Easter Monday Jennifer turned to Nick forlornly. "I wish we could stay another day," she confessed. He pulled her waist towards him and smiled, feeling exactly the same.

"Me too," he whispered back as the boys came hurtling towards them, expelling the last of their energy before the long drive back to Melbourne. Nick liked how Jen was when they were at the weekender. She was different somehow. More relaxed. More herself.

She smiled and strapped the boys into their seats.


	6. Chapter 6

Within a fortnight the sheen from their Easter getaway had disappeared and Jen felt herself sinking into a bad mood. Nick had been getting home late for a week, and a few nights the boys couldn't keep their eyes open long enough to wait for him to get home and read Possum Magic to them. They'd fallen asleep disappointed, and Jennifer had tucked them in feeling just as disappointed in Nick as they were.

She wondered how they could make life work if she went back to Homicide as well. If Nick wasn't getting home until after 7pm more often than not, would she too be getting home at such a time, if she went back? Would their kids ever have Mum or Dad there to tuck them in at night? Would their grandparents, and baby sitters and day care workers be doing more parenting than she and Nick? They'd not really discussed a plan, but she knew that had not been how they'd wanted to raise their kids.

When Nick finally walked through the door that Friday at 8:30 he joined Jen in bed immediately. She was quietly reading a book, but put it down when he entered. He kicked off his shoes and flounced down beside her, his eyes already closed. He heaved a huge sigh then turned his head on the pillows to look at her.

"Sorry I'm so late," he said. "Did the boys get to sleep all right?"

She nodded, giving him a smile to reassure him. She knew he felt guilty that he'd missed their treasured bedtime story ritual for the second time that week. "Busy at work?" she asked him quietly.

He turned his head back to centre and closed his eyes again, nodding. "Like you wouldn't believe," he answered, sighing again.

She put her book on the bedside table and turned off the lamp. She burrowed into her husband like she always did and he curved his arm around her, giving her shoulder a squeeze and kissing her temple.

"I miss Homicide," she whispered. "I want to go back."

She lifted her chin to look up at her husband. He was already asleep.

Jennifer had had her suspicions ever since Easter. In the heat of the moment they hadn't been careful, but neither had given it a second thought at the time. But now she was pretty darn sure she was pregnant. Again.

She wondered how to tell Nick. Unlike with Liam and Noah, she didn't feel as excited as one would expect and she guessed it was because this was not planned. And because she'd been giving serious thought, and had even started putting the wheels in motion to return to Homicide. What on earth were they going to do now? She wasn't sure she could juggle three kids. She wasn't sure Nick could either. But he was always the airy fairy optimistic one who always saw everything in a pink glow, whereas she saw the harsh reality first and the glow second. She reasoned it was only natural to when it was _her _who'd have to shelve her career plans again, her who'd have to surrender her body to stretch marks and discomfort and nausea and rampaging hormones for nine months. It was no wonder her view was a little more cynical than Nick's.

He came home that night at a good hour, and ate dinner with her and the boys, then bathed them, tucked them into bed and read them their story. She knew he loved being with them and fulfilling his fatherly duties like this, and knew it killed him to have to stay back at work late sometimes and miss out on it. Nights like this were so pleasant, so picture perfect, that she didn't want to tell him that she thought she was pregnant, because she knew it would severely alter the mood, and likely descend into an argument.

But when he'd emerged from the shower and joined her on the couch he sprung a question on her that rubbed her the wrong way, and then it just slipped out.

"So do you think you're still going to see Stanley on Monday?" he asked, one eye on her and one on the late news.

She frowned, not giving in just yet. "Yes," she said with determination. "Why shouldn't I?"

Nick shrugged, not paying her his full attention. "I just didn't know if you were still seriously considering it."

Jen folded her arms across her chest and looked at him with narrowed eyes. "I'm a cop Nick. It's in my blood. I was always going to go back."

He nodded. "I know I know," he insisted. "Just with the boys and everything…" he trailed off, not completing his sentence.

"You just expected me to stay at home and be here for them until they're eighteen?"

That got his attention. He turned to face her, but he didn't know what to say.

She was angry now though and ploughed right ahead. "I'm not giving up my life just for the children Nick. My life doesn't stop now that I'm a mother." It sounded a lot more cold and heartless than she'd intended. The boys actually bought her more happiness than she'd ever known, and everyday they made her smile. But in other respects she felt forgotten – like she was just a dinner making, squabble referee, nappy changing baby making machine. As if she'd never even been a steely, driven Homicide detective. People these days only seemed to slot her into one category – mother. Especially Nick. And that was not what she wanted to be known as.

"Of course it doesn't," Nick countered.

They fell silent for a moment, wondering what on earth to say next. For Jennifer then seemed as good a time as any.

"I think I'm pregnant."

The shock was written all over his face, and she could see him mentally going back over the last few weeks inside his head, trying to remember the last time they'd had sex.

She rolled her eyes. _For a damn good detective Buchanan, sometimes you're bloody hopeless. _"Easter Nick," she sighed, filling in the blank for him.

He nodded, the memory clicking into place. "What do you wanna do?" he asked meekly.

She threw her head back on the couch cushions, exasperated. "I dunno," she moaned loudly. "I wanted to go back to work Nick, you know that!"

He shrugged. "At Easter I didn't know you were this keen about it."

She shrugged back. "I wasn't I guess…but I'd been thinking about it." _I read your mind…why can't you read mine sometimes? _Jennifer thought a little bitterly.

"Well now it's going to be a bit hard isn't it?"

She was silent in reply.

He stared at her intently. "Are you saying you don't want this baby?" he whispered, sitting up straighter. He was incredulous.

_Don't get carried away Nick_ she wanted to screech. She fought to keep her volume level, very aware their children were sleeping just a few rooms away. "I don't know," she replied honestly. Suddenly life felt very hard. "We've had two kids in four years Nick. We can barely contain this mayhem some days," she insisted, still frowning. She looked around her at the mess that was their home – toys strewn from one end of the place to the other courtesy of their messy youngest child, the pile of newspapers that sat by the tv that were supposed to have been turfed out a week ago, the forgotten toddler cup that stood next to the DVD rack, Nick's work jacket thrown haphazardly over a kitchen chair. As she glanced around she wished feverishly that having two kids and a marriage was not such hard work.

As her eyes fell back on Nick a cry pierced the evening stillness and he almost levitated off his seat. It was Noah. It was always Noah. Jennifer shot him a poisonous look and he got up to tend to the child, pausing their discussion. As he headed out of the room Jennifer closed her eyes, feeling a headache coming on. If they had another child would the third one be even more of a craver of attention like Noah was? Would having another make Noah grow out of his show pony quality, but leave them with a replacement attention seeker?

An hour later every member of the house was in bed, though not necessarily asleep. Nick lay beside Jennifer and shuffled awkwardly in the bed sheets. The silence was smothering – so smothering he wanted to go and sleep on the couch, but didn't dare even allow himself to entertain such a thought. He knew it wasn't the right way to approach things.

Finally, after an hour of lying beside her and not talking – their discussion had paused after Noah had woken earlier and neither of them had pressed play again – he spoke up quietly. "Jen," he began, reaching out a hand to stroke her arm.

She turned her head on the pillow to look at him. "I don't want to talk about it Nick," she said quietly. "Not tonight."

He gave in. She was the one who was pregnant. He felt like she held all the cards. He didn't take it any further. "Okay."

He tried to sleep that night, but it didn't come easily. He just couldn't shake his feeling of dread. Dread over what was to come, and how they would tackle it.


	7. Chapter 7

Like an unfortunate stroke of bad luck, though Nick's feeling of dread made it seem predictable, the very next week Homicide's gears ground in to serious action, and a lengthy case he and the team had been working on came tantalisingly close to being solved. He arrived early on the Wednesday and didn't stop the entire day. At 7pm he looked at his watch as he sat between Allie and Matt in the muster room, knowing he was missing the boy's bedtime. He sighed out loud, unaware he'd done it until every face in the room turned in his direction.

"Are we boring you Buchanan?" Jarvis asked hotly. His eyebrows were raised, his hands in his pockets, the look on his face that always challenged the person he was directing his question at.

Nick shook his head, guilty and embarrassed. "No Sir," he replied meekly.

"Good."

The team swiftly returned to their discussion – and Nick returned to wishing he were home with Jen and his boys. No one here has a family they need to go home to in a hurry, he thought to himself. They were just going home to empty beds and a cold beer. I have a wife and kids I want to be with.

Just after 9pm he finally walked out of the office and to his car. He sat right on the speed limit the whole way home, eager to kiss his beautiful sons goodnight, even though they'd long be asleep by then.

When he finally walked in the door the clock on the kitchen wall already said 9:30. Jennifer was standing at the sink doing the last of the dinner dishes, her back to him. She already looked pregnant, even from the back. He'd always noticed all the tiny changes in her whenever she was pregnant – the widening of her hips, the glossiness of her hair, the flush in her cheeks. She'd said she thought she was pregnant, but he knew, looking at her right then. She was. No question.

She turned around to see him just looking at her. "Hi," she said tersely. She'd had a long and testing day with the children – despite Nick's impression that they'd completed their usual pre 7pm bedtime, Jennifer had in fact only managed to get them settled a little before 8:30 – hence her doing the dishes at such a late hour. She was exhausted, and the fact Nick hadn't been home to help her hadn't sat well with her.

She hadn't gone to see Stanley on Monday. Though her desire to rejoin Homicide was still strong she felt like she had no other choice but to postpone her meeting with her boss, at least. At least until she and Nick figured out what they were going to do with their life, until they discussed it more than they had the other night.

But she had stomped through the days since deciding that, grumpy with having already, pretty much without her willingness, been slotted into the barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen role again. She'd been happy to do this in the past – she wanted a family with Nick, and she loved their children, but she had not been prepared for another so soon, if at all.

Nick sat in a kitchen chair and pulled off his tie. "Stanley told me today that he was disappointed you couldn't make it on Monday."

Jennifer didn't look at him. "So was I," she replied.

"He said you'd been away for so long," Nick continued. "And he really missed you."

Jennifer pressed her lips together hard. _I have been away too long. I miss Homicide and him too._

Nick stood up again and walked over to her. "You're the one who's pregnant Jen," he whispered, taking her hands in front of her. "You're the one who gets to make this decision." It broke his heart to say it, to hand the responsibility of deciding whether they expanded their family or not entirely over to her, but he felt like he had no choice but to allow her the courtesy.

She looked up at him, confused and mad. "I thought we made every decision together when it came to this family?" she asked, pulling her hands out of his grip and picking up the tea towel again.

He nodded. "We do, but Jen I know you didn't plan on this."

"Did you?"

He didn't know what to answer. He wanted a big family, always had. Two boys were a handful but he loved every moment of it. He relished every second he spent with them and with Jen. It always felt like he was exactly where he needed to be. "I just want us…to be happy."

"But I have to take all the risks again for that to happen don't I?" Jen wouldn't take her eyes off his.

"What?"

She turned away.

"No Jen!" he insisted, bending forward to look into her eyes again. "We're a team."

"Doesn't feel like it some days Nick," she whispered. "You just told me I have to decide whether we keep this baby or not. How is that being a team? This is exactly what I was afraid of Nick!" her voice rose in frustration. "We did it all – we got married, we had kids. Now…" she shook her head, determined not to cry in front of him. "Remember when I said this, years ago? Well it took longer than two years to split up but –"

Nick's mouth dropped open. "We're not splitting up Jen! Come on!" he was startled that she'd even considered such a solution.

She said nothing, unsure if she meant what she'd said or not. Splitting up was a drastic move, but she felt so unsure about their future right then.

"Come on Jen," he urged, his frown deep and concerned. He stepped even closer to her and reached a hand out to her waist. "We've got two kids and a mortgage now!"

She didn't know what to think or what to do. But she knew she needed some space.

She shrugged out of Nick's hold and walked to their bedroom. Once there she listened to hear if he was following her and when she couldn't hear his footsteps it propelled her to do what she felt she truly needed to. She pulled a bag out of the closet, filled it with the few things she needed and slung it over her shoulder.

She walked quickly to Liam's room and stuffed more things from his drawers into her bag then walked to Noah's room and did the same. She bent over in the dark and gathering the two year old and his blanket into her arms she carried him into his brother's bedroom. She reached a gentle hand down to stroke Liam's cheek and then gave his shoulder a tiny shake. "Wake up sweetheart," she whispered.

He looked at her groggily. "Wake up and put your boots on for Mummy. We're going to Nan's."

Obediently he did as he was told, the picture of sweetness in his half asleep state, but willing to do anything for his mother. As he slid his ugg boots on she dug her car keys out of her pocket and he stared up at her from his place on the edge of his bed. "Why are we going to Nan's?"

She smiled. "We're having a sleepover," she whispered, trying to make it sound normal and light.

He accepted the reason straight away and she was relieved. He finished putting his boots on and stood up and trustingly slipped his hand into hers and she squeezed it warmly and tightly. She smiled down at him again. _This needs to be done. I'm doing this for all of us. _She walked back out into the hallway and then into the lounge room.

Noah began to stir and looked at her and then Nick sleepily when Nick walked into the room. "What are you doing Jen?" he asked sceptically, eyeing her bag and the children.

"I need some space Nick," she replied shortly, making for the front door.

Nick ran after her. "Oh come on Jen!" he cried, his voice reflecting the realisation of what she was about to do. "Come on Jen, don't take the kids!"

She walked out the door anyway and only looked back when she got out onto the veranda. "Well what am I going to do Nick!" she almost yelled, struggling to keep her voice at a reasonable tone in front of their children. "I'm the one who feeds them and bathes them and looks out for them! They'd stay in their pyjamas all day and eat lollies if you were in charge around here!" She walked quickly down the veranda steps and onto the drive way, Nick still chasing her. Liam looked back and forth between his parents, bewildered and silent at his mother's side. Jennifer continued, willing herself not to look down at their sons for fear she might lose it completely and cry in front of them. "No Nick, they need structure and for now we'll get that at my Mums."

Nick just looked back at her. He had no words. Once she'd finished her explosive response she too had no more words and their gazes stayed locked on each other for several moments. She knew almost none of what she'd just said was true – Nick was in fact a dream father: attentive and involved and Liam and Noah adored him. He pulled his weight when it came to changing nappies, cleaning up vomit and making it through dinner times. But still, Jennifer found herself having reached the end of her rope. She didn't know what to do BUT blame Nick. It wasn't fair, and he didn't deserve it, but she didn't know what else to do.

He watched her as she buckled Liam and Noah into the back of their Holden station wagon. Noah began to whimper, displeased at having been woken, so Jen made quick work of getting them settled and then climbing into the front seat herself. As she turned the keys in the ignition she found herself wishing Nick would put up more of a fight, try harder to stop her leaving, but he just stood on the veranda steps and watched, so they spoke not another word to each other and she reversed out of the drive way and into the night.

Half an hour later she struggled to her mother's front door carrying both her sons and pushed the doorbell with her elbow awkwardly. She could barely carry the both of them at once. They were complete ever growing mini Nick's and they were heavy when lumped together.

She knew her mother would be awake. It was only just after 10:30 and she was a night owl – always up late watching tv or reading her book. So she answered quickly after Jennifer had rung the bell.

But the look on her face was still surprised. But she only took a millisecond to hide the look away and let her daughter and grandsons inside. Jennifer didn't even have to say anything.

After they'd settled the boys in one of the spare beds Jennifer turned to her mother in the semi dark room. "Nick and I…" she began before she was cut off.

"We'll talk about it in the morning Jen," Sue insisted. "Just sleep on it now." She kissed her daughter on the cheek and left her in the room to sleep on the single bed that stood opposite the one they'd just tucked Liam and Noah into.

Jennifer mustered a smile and nodded before climbing into the bed a few minutes later. She laid on her side, her hands curled up into her chest, just watching the boys as they slept just a metre or two away from her. She listened to the sound of their little breaths as they inhaled and exhaled, and smiled to herself upon noticing how Liam had wrapped his arm around Noah so tightly that they were sleeping with their foreheads touching.

Then she thought to Nick and her smile waned. She thought that they were stronger than the average couple. That they would never succumb to the pressure so many married couples did of working too much, not spending enough time together and fighting the never ending battle that was raising a family. She never thought that'd happen to them. She thought they were better than that. They were too in love for that, too connected and devoted to each other.

She thought they were stronger than to let this happen.

Back at the Buchanan house Nick walked back inside after briefly walking towards his ute and going to follow her. But then he stopped himself, knowing if he went and knocked on her mother's door at that time of night and tried to continue their argument, their discussion, their conflict, it wouldn't help anything. She'd said she needed space – he had to give it to her.

He walked back into the house, defeated, eyeing the line of gum boots that sat at the front door. Four pairs, all different sizes, that made up one little family that loved nothing more than putting them on and escaping to the weekender. It hurt Nick right then to look at them, so he walked quickly past them and inside.


	8. Chapter 8

The following day Jennifer went to her GP alone. She had intended on taking the boys with her, but that was before she'd decided to spend the night at her mother's house. So she was able to leave them with their Nan, and the trip was infinitely easier without them. Just for today. There was no squealing over toys in the waiting room, and no whining of when they would be getting out of there. It made the difficult occasion a little easier.

As she stood at the front desk waiting to be seen to, a tall, solidly built man came up to stand beside her. He smiled at her silently, and she smiled back, thinking nothing of it. A second later she bent further over the counter to speak to the now free receptionist.

"Jennifer Buchanan," she stated. "I'm here to see Dr Kaplan?"

The receptionist nodded and smiled. "Yes, take a seat."

Jennifer turned around and found the man still looking at her kindly. As she walked away from the counter and towards the seating area he spoke up.

"Don't have your boys with you today?" he asked.

It made Jennifer stop for a moment, but as she went to answer she saw Dr Kaplan appear at the head of the hallway that led to the consultation rooms, looking for her. She became flustered, torn between going to her appointment on time and answering the man. Finally she answered as she walked away. "No, not today," she smiled again, thinking she must've known him from somewhere, then hurried off to follow Dr Kaplan, thinking nothing more of it. The doctor beckoned her into the consult room and invited her to sit down.

Jennifer wanted to know for sure, even though she was already certain she was correct in her suspicions about her pregnancy. But she wanted to hear it from a doctor's mouth, hoping that a professional's opinion would help her to decide what to do.

"You were right Jennifer," her doctor smiled. "You're almost four weeks along."

She smiled a tight smile back at the GP and got up to leave, but the doctor caught her arm. "Am I to assume this wasn't planned?" she asked gently, sensing Jennifer's unease.

Jennifer turned around. She shrugged, not knowing what to answer. "Yes and no," she said finally before taking the bundle of leaflets the doctor wanted to give her.

A third baby, she thought as she walked out of the surgery and back to the car. How's this going to work? Can I do this for a third time? _Can Nick and I do this for a third time?_

When she returned to her mother's a little while later she found her sons playing happily in the backyard with a train set, getting the knees of their jeans grubby. But Jennifer looked past it, not able to worry about things like that at present. She joined her mother on the patio and squinted out into the sunshine ahead of her and out towards the boys.

"Nick hasn't called," Sue said, breaking the ice.

"He hasn't called my mobile either."

"Is he meant to be working today?"

Jennifer nodded. Would this stop him going to work? Or would he continue on as normal, clocking on and off like he'd done the day before? She wondered what was going to happen.

"Are you going to call him?" her mother asked softly.

Jennifer pulled her Blackberry from her pocket and looked at the black screen. She shrugged a small shrug. "I don't know."

This thing is breaking down

We almost never speak

I don't feel welcome anymore

Baby what happened?

Please tell me

Cos one second it was perfect

Now you're halfway out the door

And I stare at the phone

He still hasn't called

And you feel so low you can't feel nothing at all

Thursday had been all consuming, in work and at home for Nick. He'd not slept Wednesday night at all, unable to get comfortable in a bed where no one was sleeping next to him, then not able to get their fight out of his head. And despite Jennifer being so in tune with the sounds of their children, he too found himself listening for the familiar sounds of the boys at night time, their whimpers and cries, their sighs and their breathing as he walked past their rooms, their moving under their blankets. He didn't realise until they weren't there just how attuned he actually was to listening out for them too. It wasn't just Jennifer.

He got to the office at dawn on Thursday, officially giving up on trying to get to sleep at 5am. Jarvis proceeded to make him pay for his lack of attention the day before and pommelled him with work all day long, not giving Nick the few moments he wanted to sit down somewhere quiet and decide whether or not to call Jen and ask if she and the boys were ok.

When he walked out of work a little after seven he realised how odd the day had felt – he'd not known what else to do but go to work that morning, but it felt weird having done so when he'd just had a row with his wife and she'd taken herself and their kids to sleep somewhere else for the night.

When he walked into the house later he shuddered. It was so silent. Not a thing was moving or talking or laughing. He hated it. It was so unnatural. It was not the way their house was meant to be. He walked right into the kitchen and dialled Jen's number as he leaned against the bench by the sink.

Last night I couldn't sleep

The bed felt awful cold

Say you want some space

Say you want some space

Won't pick up the phone

She didn't answer.

He put the phone down on the bench and stared at it for a moment before realising she was probably putting the boys to bed. He waited ten more minutes and was about to dial again when his iPhone lit up with her name on the screen.

"Jen," he breathed into the phone, relief already in his voice that she'd even made the effort to call back.

"Hi," she answered.

"How are you?" he asked tentatively.

"I'm okay." She was giving nothing away.

"And the boys?"

"They're fine Nick."

The conversation halted for a few moments.

"I miss you," Nick offered, honestly.

"Liam and Noah miss you too," she replied.

A lump rose in Nick's throat immediately upon hearing her sentence. _Only the boys. Not you._ He wanted to scream and cry and throw himself down on the bed. _Maybe I've blown it completely with Jen. Maybe she won't give me another chance? Maybe we are splitting up?_

"Can I come and see you?" he asked, still hopeful.

"They're asleep now Nick."

_But I want to see you. If I can only see you tonight it'll all be worth it._

She went on, sensing his yearnings. "Come tomorrow night after work. Get off early and come."

It was a subtle hint from her telling him to not be late again. To put their family first and actually make sure he left the office before their kids were in bed.

And he would do it. "I will," he promised strongly. "See you then."

"Bye."

_I love you._

Never said that I was easy

Always pushing for the best

Well that's just cos I believe

Believe in you baby

And this I must confess

You make me happy

You make me happy

Nick slept terribly again that night. He had no appetite, no energy, no desire, without his family close by. It was killing him not being with them – he'd _never_ spent so long away from Liam and Noah. It felt so wrong. He went to bed just half an hour after finishing his short conversation with Jen, without having showered and without having eaten. He just locked up the house and then crawled under the covers, trying to hide away.

When he stood blankly in the shower the next morning he figured he'd got maybe an hour or two's sleep. It of course wasn't enough, but he powered through and drove into work. He needed to get his day done there so that he could get off early and go to Jennifer's mother's place. He was dying to see his little family, even if they were angry and disappointed in him.

So perhaps it was the lack of sleep, the lack of food, the lack of concentration on the task at hand…any or all of the above that nearly killed him that day. It all happened so fast. Their first call out of the day. It wasn't even 10am. Nick hadn't even had time to get a coffee. Duncan had been running behind, so Nick had driven the car around to the front of the building and picked him up from there and they had headed towards Yarraville, where the family of a victim was waiting to be questioned.

The roads were slippery, but Nick wasn't going fast. Afterwards, when he sat in the tea room nursing a cup of coffee and realising how close he'd just come to death, he realised it was not because of speed. It was him. Him and his distracted mind had interfered with his driving and he'd simply sailed through a red light without even realising. He hadn't been switched on. How could he, when so much drama was happening in his personal life? He took a sip of coffee and wondered if he should take some time off.

_But if Jen has this baby, I'll want to take time off when it arrives. So I couldn't right now. But now is when I need to be with my family._

He squeezed his eyes shut in frustration. He felt so torn, not knowing what at all to do with his troubles.

His thoughts were interrupted by Stanley Wolfe, who walked up quietly behind Nick and stopped at his chair. "Nick. Duncan told me what happened."

Nick turned around and eyed his senior sergeant wearily, yet gratefully. Could Stanley see how much he was struggling? How much his mind was elsewhere? Was it that obvious? _Well even if it isn't, running a red light will certainly show him _Nick thought. Stanley had his own family too though, surely he must empathise, and recognise Nick's mood.

And he was right. He clapped a hand down firmly on Nick's shoulder. "Go home Nick. Take the rest of today off. You need it."

Nick stood up immediately, too drained and shell shocked to argue. "I promise I'll be back on board tomorrow sarge," Nick pledged.

Stanley just nodded. "Just go and be with your kids Nick."

He didn't need to be told twice.

As he drove back home, the midday news crackled from the car radio speakers, though he barely heard it, paying extra close attention to the road so as not to get himself killed for a second time that day. As he drove though the shock began to sink in as he realised how scared he'd been when it had dawned on him what he had done, how close the other car had been to his door when it had swerved to avoid him and Duncan, how the only person he could think of when he'd stopped breathing because of paralysing fear was Jen and the child of theirs he had yet to meet.

By the time he drove up his drive way he felt like he'd been hit by a sledge hammer. He trudged wearily up the veranda steps and through the front door. As he walked to the bedroom he pulled his phone out of his pocket, set the alarm for four hours time and collapsed on to the bed.

He fell asleep instantly.

When the alarm went off four hours later he felt renewed and alive again, a feeling he was thankful for. He shovelled down a sandwich standing at the kitchen bench, then grabbed his keys and left.

As he drove he realised he was shaking. Was it his shock from the morning's events? Or nerves about seeing his family again? Or a combination of both? He didn't know, but even if it had been nerves, he was still every bit as eager to get to Sue Mapplethorpe's house.

When Sue let him inside he looked eagerly around for Jen. He felt apprehensive. Would he be able to convince her to return home?

His mother in law led him into the kitchen where he saw his wife immediately, sitting at the table, her mind, like his, clearly elsewhere. A cup of tea sat in front of her but even from a distance Nick could tell it was cold and unwanted. She'd not drunk any of it, knowing he was coming. She just couldn't.

"I'll keep the boys entertained for half an hour," Sue said quietly, before leaving them alone.

Nick smiled gratefully at her, appreciative of her efforts.

He sat down opposite Jen.

"How are you?" he began shyly.

She shrugged. "Okay."

Nick didn't know where to start. "Have you…when are…" he spat out several pitiful attempts before stopping and taking a deep breath and starting over. "I miss you," he admitted simply, putting his heart on the table.

Her face softened. She missed him too. Terribly. Achingly. More than she'd ever missed anyone in her life. "I've missed you too," she whispered, her eyes fixed on his.

"The house is so quiet without you and the boys there," he whispered back, his face crestfallen. "I hate it. It feels so empty. _I _feel empty."

She nodded back. "They've been asking me when we're going home," her voice continued to go no louder than a whisper.

Nick felt hopeful all of a sudden. "I want you to come home Jen. Please come home. We can sort this out." He was desperate.

"Can we Nick?" she asked. "Can we really?" She leaned back in her chair, unsure.

He was adamant. "Yes. I'll do whatever it takes Jen. I promise you." He reached out and grabbed her slender hand in his, squeezing it tight.

"But you don't need to do anything Nick, that's the problem!" she replied, frowning. "What's happening…it's exactly what I was afraid would happen. Exactly what I didn't want to happen."

She exhaled loudly and used her free hand to rub tiredly over her eyes.

"What do you mean? You didn't want to have more children?" Nick asked.

She shook her head. "Not necessarily," she sighed. "I hadn't really decided. But I didn't want to have to make all the sacrifices if we did." She looked pointedly at Nick. "And that's exactly what I'm doing Nick."

He knew she was right, but the way they'd lived life so far had seemed the only route to take because no other alternatives seemed workable. He didn't know how to fix it.

And Jennifer could tell he didn't have the answers she wanted. She could tell with just one look. They'd been married for five years: it was long enough to be able to read his mind.

She looked down at their linked hands and then pulled hers out of his grip. "I need another day here Nick," she informed him quietly. "Another day at least, to sort out how I feel. The boys are fine here. They miss being at home, but they're fine."

She got up to leave the room, to find their sons.

He got up too, not ready for the conversation to be over. "But what about me? I need you." He wondered for a split second if he should tell her about his day, but then he didn't get a chance.

She shook her head at the doorway. "No Nick." She wouldn't be talked around. "I need another day."

Sue appeared beside Jennifer and motioned to the boys in the spare room behind them. Jennifer turned and disappeared into the room. Nick could hear her talking quietly to them as they played.

Sue looked up and over at him pitifully. She gave him a sympathetic smile and then spoke. "I think you better go Nick."

Reluctantly Nick headed for the door, his heart breaking at not even having seen his sons. He drove home dejected and for the third night in a row went to bed in an empty house. Every night it was killing him a little bit more.

When your day is long

And the night, the night is yours alone

You're sure you've had enough

Of this life

Hang on

Don't let yourself go

Cos everybody cries

And everybody hurts

Sometimes

At lunchtime the next day Nick received a text from Jen. 'We'll be home tonight.' It sounded so devoid of any emotion, and it worried him, but at the same time he was just glad they were coming home. He couldn't wait.

He sat in the lounge room and waited for them for hours, keeping one eye on the road outside and one eye on the television. Finally at 8pm they pulled up and he walked immediately to the front door and out onto the veranda, watching as they drove up the driveway unceremoniously. Jen got out, looking tired and worn out and over at him. She motioned to the back seat with her head and Nick took the steps two at a time to join her at the car to help her carry their children inside.

She went around to the other side as he opened the door on his side, but then just stopped to look at his boys, so captivated and overcome with their innocence and promise. He'd missed them so much. Jennifer opened the opposite door and joined him in his adoring gaze before looking over at him briefly. That was all it took for the tears to start streaming down her face, and for a second Nick was shocked – she wasn't usually one to cry at the drop of a hat. He realised then how difficult the past three days had been for her as well as himself. He reached over and unbuckled Noah's seatbelt as she did the same to Liam and the two boys clung to their parents as they pulled them from their car seats.

When they'd shut the car doors behind them Nick met Jennifer at the head of the driveway, right in front of the closed garage door. She was still crying silently. "Jen," he began, Noah's arms almost strangling his neck in the darkness.

"Let's just put them to bed first Nick," she replied, walking ahead of him and into the house.

Nick scolded himself inside for never thinking responsibly. He never seemed to think quite as much like a parent as she did, and he knew he needed to step it up – that was one of her gripes. But when it came to his feelings for Jen there was often little he felt he could control. He followed her inside silently.

When he got to Noah's bedroom he gave the child an extra squeeze in his arms before he laid him down on the bed, so thankful to have his youngest child back with him at last. He tucked him in under the covers securely then placed a light kiss on his forehead before walking from the room. In the hallway Jen was waiting for him, her tears now stopped, her demeanour calmer and more ready to speak.

Nick couldn't help himself. He swept her into his arms and squeezed her tighter than he ever had before. He'd been lost without her these last few days, not only because she'd been away, but because of what had happened at work, how lucky he'd been to escape unhurt and how much he'd missed her. Every single part of her. Her voice. Her smell. Her touch. Her smile. Everything.

Surprisingly she didn't hold back and hugged him just as tightly in return. She'd had time to think, and was ready to be home now.

He kept his arms around her and looked into her eyes. "You're everything to me Jen," he whispered, not moving from where they stood in the hallway. "You and the boys…I could never bear to lose you." He was struggling to contain his emotions, his frown deep and his face contorted as he fought not to cry.

She looked back into his eyes seriously. "Well you nearly did Nick," she reminded him.

"I know." He shut his eyes for a moment. "And it made me realise how much I can't live without you."

She reached down for his hand and they walked further down the hallway and into their bedroom where they crawled gratefully on to the bed, exhausted mentally and physically. They lay facing each other and Nick's heart soared at just the feeling of having her breath fall over his face again.

"Yesterday at work I ran a red light," Nick whispered.

Jennifer frowned. "What?"

Nick nodded, shuddering at the memory of the screeching tyres, the way Duncan had wrenched the steering wheel from his hands, the smell of the burning rubber that had left a long black mark along the road behind them. They'd come so frighteningly close to having a collision.

Nick went on, shaking his head, trying to clear his thoughts and explain to her properly what had happened. "My mind wasn't on the job I guess," he admitted.

Jennifer forgot they had not been living under the same roof for the past three nights and reached out to caress his face. "Were you hurt?" she asked worriedly.

Nick shook his head again, reassuring her he was fine.

Relieved, Jen exhaled, but didn't stop in her caressing of his face. Her fingers ran over and over his cheek repeatedly, gliding over every curve and fold of skin delicately.

Nick took a deep breath in and spoke again. "I really want this child Jen," he offered up. "What if it's the daughter I've always wanted?"

She softened further. "You've always wanted a daughter?" she asked, a little shocked. "You never told me that."

Nick kept nothing from her, but he had kept that. But it was only because it had only been in the last few weeks that he'd realised just how much he did want a daughter, now that the opportunity to have one had presented itself to him. He nodded, sincere to the deepest part of his soul.

She smiled, wondering how it would be to have a girl to add to their mix of two boisterous little boys. "But Nick, you understand why I'm so hesitant don't you? I feel like I've given everything up to give us the life we wanted. And yes I want this life, but I feel like I'm doing all the hard work to get it for us. I miss being a copper Nick, I really do. Having another baby is going to mean I may never go back – at best I couldn't go back for another two years, minimum. You still have Homicide Nick, so I feel like you don't realise how much I miss having it too."

Nick nodded, knowing she was right. "We can share the duties Jen," he promised. "I'll find a way. I'll use all my annual leave when the baby arrives, and then it won't be long before I'll be due for long service. I'll take it as soon as it comes in, and maybe we can swap roles for a bit. By then Liam will probably be at school and everything won't be as hard and you'll be able to go back to work."

It was a sketchy plan, but better than none, and Jen knew he meant it. He looked at her worriedly. "I can't lose you." He would never ask her if what he'd just suggested would make her happy – that would sound like he was making sacrifices for her, when really it was the other way round, and she would not appreciate him talking down to her like the little wife like that. So he just reiterated how he felt with a dull ache inside. "I just can't lose you Jen," he said again. He actually perked up at the thought just a moment later, realising he would have so much more time with his kids if they did follow this sketchy plan of his, and he wondered why they'd never balanced things out more earlier in the game. _This is 2017 after all Nick Buchanan_, he reminded himself wryly._ Not 1985._

"We should've done it this way years ago," Jen whispered, reading his thoughts.

He smiled a tiny smile in agreeance and reached his arms around her to hug her to his chest. His took a deep breath in, letting her hair tickle his cheek and neck and placed a kiss on the side of her head. "God I missed you so much," he said in such a whisper Jen almost didn't hear it.


	9. Chapter 9

By the time Jennifer had just five weeks to go, she and Nick had put their problems behind them. They'd worked out a better plan on how to raise their ever expanding family, drawn up a timeline and talked to their bosses. It was finally all working out and both – although they didn't admit it to each other – were incredibly relieved. Both were believers in a strong family unit, and didn't want their boys to suffer because of problems their parents couldn't work out, so Jennifer and Nick had put a lot of effort into smoothing out the creases in their lives.

The time had also passed where they could decide to keep their baby or not. It had never been a serious consideration not to really, the only fear had been how they would cope – never that they didn't want it. So now they were less than two months away from welcoming a new member into their family.

A Friday afternoon in December, just two weeks after Liam's fifth birthday, they packed the car for their final chance at a getaway as a family of four before the baby arrived in late January. After that weekend Nick would have no more long stints off work – apart from a brief break over Christmas – until the baby arrived and he took his planned annual leave. He and Jen were looking forward to the weekend immensely and were naturally heading to his parents weekender. Even Liam and Noah, although not fully aware of just how much life would change in the coming year, were eager to go and run amok at the little cottage. They packed the car in record time, and were soon zooming down the highway.

But the long drive soon became tiresome for the two and five year olds, and they squabbled endlessly in the back seat as Nick drove. He cast an occasional eye over to Jennifer in the seat beside him, and noticed her worn out features. It prompted him to drive and deal with the children's fighting all by himself, often reaching a hand blindly into the backseat to confiscate a toy or pull one boys hand away from another boys face.

Nick sighed as he broke up another fight as they sailed past the halfway point to the cottage, struggling to keep one eye on the road and one eye on the boys. He was losing his patience, and looked over at his wife, not wanting to bother her, but now so desperate for a hand. But she had her eyes closed, her head on the head rest and her window down, blowing her hair messily all around her. He didn't want to bother her, over exert her, test her patience the way the boys were testing his. Her pregnancy had been harder than the last this time, and he wanted to wrap her in cotton wool so badly. It was why he had suggested they go away for the weekend. So he continued to drive and play referee at the same time.

But thirty minutes later he couldn't take it anymore. The sky was just starting to change colour and he was, for a moment, captivated at the vast stretch of horizon that was laid out before him as he drove along. It was breath taking.

But Liam and Noah didn't care about such a thing. "THAT'S MINEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" came Noah's ear piercing screech that shook Nick out of his reverie.

Nick turned around in his seat to see Noah's face a vicious shade of red, his tiny forehead crinkled intensely and his arms reaching out towards Liam who was holding a Transformer as far away from his brother as he could manage.

"Liam." Nick said warningly.

Liam's innocent blue eyes looked back at his father. "It's mine Dad."

"IT'S MINE!" Noah screamed even louder.

Nick actually reached a hand to one of his ears due to the volume. No one could scream like Noah could. He looked over at Jennifer again, who was now most certainly awake. She nodded at him and Nick stopped the car in the emergency lane. Both he and Jennifer got out, and Nick reached into the back seat, unbuckled Noah and pulled him from the car. He held him tightly on his hip as Jennifer, awkwardly and almost unwillingly, climbed into the middle seat and strapped herself in. Then Nick plopped Noah back in his booster seat, buckled him in again and then went back to the driver's side and got in. He did up his seatbelt, turned around and in such quick succession that neither child could follow it, Jennifer took the Transformer from Liam and handed it to Nick who placed it on the front seat out of reach. Noah and Liam just watched open mouthed.

Then Nick turned the key in the ignition and they were off again, Jennifer now an impenetrable barrier between the two boys.

An hour later as the sky darkened further and Nick sailed past one of the final turn offs to the weekender, he snuck a look in the rear view mirror. Jennifer sat slumped in the middle seat still, the bottom strap of the seat belt hidden under her growing stomach. Noah was turned in what looked to be a very uncomfortable position in his booster seat towards her, his head resting on the very tip of her shoulder. Liam too was slouched in towards Jennifer and rested his head against her side, his upper body tucked safely under her arm. Her hand rested on his leg as she kept him close to her and he held the upper strap of her seat belt loosely. All three were sound asleep.

Nick smiled and drove towards the house, knowing how lucky he was.

Later when the boys were tucked into their bunk bed again, and Nick and Jen had unloaded their bags and boxes from the car and bought them inside, the couple milled around the house quietly, locking the doors and clearing away the few dishes they'd dirtied. As Jennifer shut the fridge after placing the milk inside it, she turned to Nick and threw him a grateful smile. "Thanks for dealing with them so much this afternoon," she said quietly.

Nick smiled. "Nothing I couldn't handle," he white lied, remembering the unbelievable decibel level Noah's screams had reached.

Jennifer smiled and stepped up to be against him and reached her hands around his waist. "No really, thanks. I should've done a bit more."

Nick gave her a confused look. "No Jen. You didn't need to. It was okay. I just want you to relax and take it easy." His concern for her was never ending.

She looked ashamed suddenly and looked down. "Thankyou," she whispered.

They stood in silence for a few minutes and then Nick spoke again. "Are you okay Jen?"

She nodded and shrugged a little. "I feel guilty some days that's all. Like I should suck it up and stop their fighting or be more involved in their games."

"What do you mean?" Nick was not comprehending.

She shrugged again, and looked back up at him. "I know we're really pretty lucky," she whispered. "I should be more thankful that we have two healthy kids. I know some women would kill for what I've got."

Nick smiled reassuringly down at her and ran his hands across her cheeks lightly. "You're incredible at what you do Jen," he assured her and then kissed her with a force that was almost erotic.

She smiled again as she fell into his kiss willingly and didn't move away when he ran his hands up her back in one smooth motion, moulding her expectant body into his gently. She reached an arm out and patted her hand along the wall until she found the light switch and switched it off, leaving them in a grey darkness, all the while her lips still locked with Nick's as his hands continued to smooth over her body.

They stepped sideways towards the kitchen table and she stealthily hopped up onto it so she was sitting on its very edge. Nick stepped in closer to her, unable to keep his lips away from hers. She grinned at the feeling of him so heatedly close to her, in such a public part of the house, when she felt like such a beached whale, yet he found her so tantalisingly irresistible.

They shuffled on the table top and gripped each other's bodies as they became less and less able to control their yearnings. Her breath caught mid exhale when she felt his hand slide under her skirt and up her thigh. She wrapped her ankles around him, locking him against her and felt his heart racing as their chests heaved against each other's as they kissed. She looked into his eyes and noticed how they were sparkling. She could smell his desire, hear his rapid breathing. She kissed him hard on the lips and slipped her hands under his arms and up his back, tracing her hands over the muscles around his shoulder blades. This was what they'd needed for so long – to get the spark back between them. The spark that made them show their affections in public places where maybe they shouldn't, that made them surprise each other with random gifts, that made them stay up all night talking and that definitely made them get on the kitchen table for a stolen moment of intimacy, heavily pregnant and children sleeping just a room away or not. They had needed that excitement back.

As he kissed his way down her cheek and onto her neck she whispered into the darkness. "Don't let the kids hear Nick." He shook his head ever so slightly as he continued to smother her skin with warm damp kisses.


	10. Chapter 10

Nick had always wanted his sons to be into sport, and so he loved watching them tussle over a footy, trying to perfect their hand balls and marks. He smiled as the sun shined down on them where they played not far from the house. He wondered if, come January 29, they'd have another little bloke to add to their footy team or a petite little cheerleader. He grinned again at just the thought. He couldn't wait to meet their new baby.

Nick slowly hand balled the football to Noah but the boy fumbled trying to catch it, and frowned when it bonked him on the nose and made him stumble backwards for a few steps.

"You right mate?" Nick asked gently, smiling down at his youngest. He stepped up to him and ruffled his hair.

Noah nodded stubbornly in reply. "Yes," he said defiantly.

They continued on with their rag tag game but Nick noticed Noah's heart was no longer in it. He wanted so fiercely to be as good a player as Liam was, and he wanted even more fiercely to be like Nick, that he doggedly played on, but when the ball knocked him again in the face, though not hard, Noah had had enough and spun on his heel in the grass.

"I don't wanna play anymoreeeeee," he sang out.

Nick looked at him, squinting in the sun. He knelt down before him and tried to rub the dirt off the boy's face where the grubby football had marked his cheek. But it wouldn't come off. "Come on," he said kindly, taking the child's hand. "Let's go and see Mum and get you cleaned up."

He started walking back towards the house, beckoning Liam to follow them, but Noah dropped his father's hand and strutted ahead pigheadedly. "No," he stated. "I can go by myself."

_You're not even three yet mate but I should've known you'd be as passionate as your mother_, Nick thought to himself wryly. He looked back at Liam, whose face told him immediately that he didn't want to go back inside just so they could wipe Noah's face clean.

Nick looked again at Noah who was now already a few metres ahead. He relented and tossed the football into the air a little as he called out to Noah. "Go straight up and see Mum okay?"

The boy nodded without turning around. Nick called out again, unable to stop smiling at the boy's stubbornness. "Noah." The boy turned around to look at his father, sensing the tone. "No mucking around okay? Straight back to the house." Noah nodded again and began running the fifty metres to the house.

Nick shook his head, still smiling. He watched Noah run for another twenty metres then turned back to Liam and gently drop kicked the ball towards him.

Half an hour later the father and son walked back up to the house, knackered and ready for lunch. It was only 11:30am, but the boys had been up since six, and with the football had worked up an appetite well before midday. Liam jumped onto the front veranda and threw the footy into the wooden box laiden with cricket stumps and bats and more than a few tennis balls and umbrellas that sat beside the front door. He galloped inside and Nick followed happily behind and into the house.

They were met by a smiling Jennifer, who stuck her neck up like an emu from her place on the couch, where she was reclining with a book. "All footballed out?" she smiled at her oldest son as he sprung onto the couch beside her, reaching a hand out to pat her stomach affectionately. He nodded.

"Where's Noah?" she looked up at Nick.

Nick frowned. "He came up to see you – he had mud all over his face. I told him to get you to help him to wash it off," he replied.

"Well he didn't." Jennifer began to frown too. She locked gazes with her husband and started getting up. "When did you send him up here?"

Nick looked down at his watch. "Just before eleven," he confessed. He stood next to her at the end of the couch as Liam looked up at them both, silent from his place a top the cushions.

Before Jennifer could say anything further Nick took the opportunity to swoop in a reassure her before her thoughts ran away, especially because it had been him who'd sent Noah up to the house alone.

"He's probably playing out the back, getting even dirtier," Nick said as casually as he could. He started walking towards the back of the house and to the back door. As he swung open the fly screen of the back door he knew behind him Jennifer had moved towards the bedrooms to search. They had every base covered. He wasn't very worried.

But Noah wasn't out the back. Nor was he in the shed, or the empty stables at the edge of the yard. He wasn't in the sand pit or up any of the trees that bordered the house. The more Nick searched the more energetic he got with his search efforts, wondering where his son could be, and went as far as to get down on his hands and knees and look underneath the house as well as behind bales of hay in the stables.

He was nowhere to be seen. He was about to head back to the house when Jennifer called out to him from the back porch, Liam glued to her side. He jogged back up to her, sweat beginning to form on his head in the midday heat. "I can't find him," he admitted when he reached her.

"Neither can I."

Nick stepped up onto the porch and the three of them walked back inside and stood rallied in the kitchen for a few moments. "He must be around here somewhere," Nick said determinedly. "He's probably just hiding from us."

Jennifer looked pointedly at him. "Did you see him go up to the house?" she asked.

Nick nodded. "Yes, I watched him go." _I should've watched him all the way until he went through the front door_ he thought.

"So where did he go?"

Nick frowned, wiping the sweat from his forehead. "He must've skipped out right before he got to the veranda," he mused.

Jennifer knew Noah was a stubborn child and wouldn't have let Nick take him back up to the house – he would've insisted he could get there himself and wash his own face clean. But she still wanted to ask Nick why he hadn't insisted right back. Where was their son?


	11. Chapter 11

By 3:30pm Jennifer and Nick were practically beside themselves. Jennifer sat at the kitchen table numbly, a cup of tea thrust into her trembling hands by the neighbours as they sat with her and kept an eye on Liam. Nick continued to search the property and the area around it, and had been joined by several men from the neighbouring properties. They'd all piled into a ute and driven off to search all the places the local kids visited.

Jennifer ran her hand over the polished wood finish of the table and thought back to the previous night. The memory of their daring little tryst in this very spot now meant nothing, and now seemed ill timed and immature. The entire game had changed now that Noah was missing. Her little boy consumed her every thought and tore at the fabric of her mind endlessly.

There was a knock at the door and Jennifer and one of the neighbours both got up to answer it excitedly, but the neighbour placed a reassuring hand on Jennifer's arm and insisted she relax and stay where she was. Jennifer relented, and allowed her to answer the door, but she couldn't sit down again. It felt so useless. She needed to stand up, do something.

A moment later she heard a familiar voice from the direction of the door and she turned her head towards it. Behind her the back door opened and Nick walked in as from the front Stanley and Duncan entered behind the neighbour. Jennifer's brain squealed – she had no idea why they were there and wondered if it was for a good reason – moral support perhaps – or a bad reason – the unthinkable. Either way she was over the moon to see them.

"Sarge," she breathed, forcing a smile. It didn't matter how long she'd been away from the force, he was still her sargeant and she could call him nothing else. He returned her forced smile and then stepped aside slightly to let her see Duncan.

With Duncan the greeting was different. Duncan Freeman was a passionate and intensely serious man, who held many things, and many people, close to his heart. Right then he didn't offer a smile, instead going in for an embrace before he'd even said hello. Jennifer sagged into his hold despairingly. He squeezed her tight and whispered into her shoulder. "Hey Jen. I'm here to do whatever needs to be done." She appreciated the sentiment and remained close to him when they parted, keeping her arm around his waist as he did the same around hers, displaying the ease with which their friendship lived. They both looked worriedly at Nick as he came towards them and Stanley like a hunter returning from the gathering.

But Nick had no words. He simply shrugged his shoulders sadly, looking like a broken man, and shook his head. The other searchers looked equally crestfallen behind him.

As they spread throughout the house again, talking about the search, organising more people, debating perimeters and lays of the land Stanley turned to Jennifer. He spoke quietly, placing a hand on her shoulder. She looked at it, then back up to his eyes and felt true fear for the first time that day. Nick hovered behind Jennifer, knowing what Stanley was going to say.

"Jennifer," Stanley began, his lips pursed in regret, his eyebrows framing his whole concerned expression. "There've been some kidnappings – "

"What?" she whispered. She turned to look at Nick to see if he knew, and just one look informed her that he did. She looked back to Stanley.

He nodded sadly at her. "It's not nice to have to tell you. But some of the kidnappings have resulted in homicides." He didn't want to reveal too much. The less she knew the better. For now at least.

It was then that a constable stuck his head into the room and interrupted their conversation, beckoning Stanley and Duncan out of the kitchen and into the living room. As they walked out Jennifer again turned to Nick.

"Why didn't you _tell_ me?" she asked hotly. "I didn't even know they were coming, and now this!" She wanted to strangle him.

Nick's expression was pained. "I called them. I didn't know what else to do Jen!"

"And the homicides?" she asked, shocked to her core.

Nick shrugged. "They've mostly been confined to the city, but there has been one outside the metro area." He winced telling her. "We've only been working on it a week. I didn't want to tell you and worry you."

Jennifer couldn't think of a thing to say as her eyes welled with tears. As a cop she knew nothing was for certain until it was proven. There was no proof of anything yet, except that Noah couldn't be found. She looked up as both Stanley and Duncan re-entered the kitchen. "So what's the story?" Jennifer pushed. "Do you have leads? Evidence?"

Nick reached out to Jennifer's hip, easing her back down into a chair, but she slapped his hand away roughly, not looking at him, instead keeping her eyes focussed on Duncan and Stanley. "We've got the whole team working on it Jen," Duncan said softly, shooting a sympathetic glance over at Nick. "We don't want you and Nick to worry."

Jennifer huffed out an annoyed sigh. _Little chance of that Dunny_ she thought. She finally sat down and Nick and Duncan joined her as their boss reigned over them from standing.

The mother shook her head in a daze and then spoke. "Before I was worried about him falling down a slope or drowning in a creek. But now…this is much, much worse."

"We do have a photo of who we're looking for…" Duncan revealed, pulling a facefit out of his folder. He held it out for Nick and Jen to see, and studied their reactions. But both shook their heads. "But I'm positive Noah is fine. You've both said he loves being independent. I'm sure he's just run off and is playing somewhere."

"He's still all by himself," Nick whispered. He and Jennifer gripped hands suddenly, the whites of both their knuckles obvious for all to see.

Let this be our prayer

When we lose our way

Lead us to a place

Guide us with your grace

To a place where we'll be safe

By sundown the search was scaled back, but Nick doggedly refused to stop looking. Duncan trotted along beside him as he got into his ute again, not letting him search in the dark alone. Jennifer remained at the house, forced down food that was given to her and took a shower when it was suggested to her. It was when she was alone in the shower that she first felt pain in her abdomen, but a moment later it had disappeared, so she forced herself to forget about it.

Duncan and Nick returned at eleven, exhausted and in poor spirits. The house had emptied of the neighbours, and only Stanley remained. When Duncan and Nick walked through the front door he looked at them and didn't need a de brief. It was clear their search had turned up nothing. He took Duncan aside as Nick joined Jen in the bedroom, equal parts eager as well as not eager, to sleep. How could he sleep when his son was missing? He couldn't, but he knew he ought to try.

Jennifer was pacing by the window when he walked in, her feet bare, her hair loose. The night was so stiflingly hot that she was wearing just her underwear, her bra and a tank top, and her skin glistened like it was oiled, such was the temperature in the house. He closed the bedroom door and walked up to her.

"I'm sorry Jen," he said quietly. "I couldn't find him."

She looked over at him, her face a crumpled mess, her eyes so dark and deliberating. She whispered her words back to him. "How could you have just let him walk up to the house by himself Nick?" she asked, distraught.

He shook his head, wishing with everything he had that he could turn back time and not let the boy walk alone. It was such a short distance, and he'd thought nothing of it. And look what had happened. He felt like a terrible parent. "I know," he whispered back, ashamed.

She walked right up to him and shoved him in the chest. "Kids don't just run away Nick. They don't just disappear. _People lose them._" Her voice was rising.

"I know Jen. You don't think I don't regret it?" he tried to keep his voice down.

"I blame you for this!" she yelled as she sobbed, her chest heaving up and down at a fast pace. She swiped angrily at her eyes and cheeks, wiping away the tears there.

"Well that's fine because I blame myself too okay! I should never have let him walk by himself!" he plopped down dejectedly on the double bed and put his head in his hands, his fingers splicing through his thick brown hair.

Jennifer sat down beside him and held onto his upper arm tightly, resting her cheek on his shoulder and crossing her right leg over her left so close to him that her right foot brushed his shin.

Nick looked up forlornly at her and laced his right hand through her left as they rested on his thigh. "I watched him run Jen," he admitted. "I watched him run twenty, thirty metres back up towards the house. He was practically there. Then I turned back to Liam." He knew it would be a move he'd regret for the rest of his life if Noah was never found. Or even if he was. He wondered if Jennifer would ever forgive him, or if he'd ever forgive himself.


	12. Chapter 12

Jennifer fell asleep quickly a little while later, but Nick lay awake for hours. Eventually he gave up trying to get to sleep and went into the kitchen, where he found Duncan reading over their case notes at the table. Nick sat dejectedly down opposite him.

His colleague looked up from his work and gave the father a small smile. "How're you travelling mate?"

Nick shrugged, his mouth turned down, his eyes on the floor.

"Jen blames me for this."

Duncan shook his head slightly. "No she doesn't Nick," he replied. "She's just worried."

"She'll never forgive me if we don't find him."

"What are you talking about? Even this afternoon, even tonight, she still turned to you totally in love. Have you never seen the way she looks at you?" Duncan asked incredulously.

Nick shrugged again. He had his doubts it would be that easy.

At 4am Jennifer sat bolt upright in bed. She sat stunned for a moment against the pillows and then turned to shake Nick awake. But he wasn't sleeping beside her. She got up and ran as best she could out into the kitchen, where she found him huddled over a map with Duncan. Both the men looked up in surprise when she burst into the room, tying a silk robe around herself.

"I need to see that photo again Dunny," she exclaimed breathlessly.

Without a word he got up and retrieved it for her, handing it to her apprehensively. She studied it intently for a moment, then looked up at her husband and colleague. "I saw this man…" she whispered. "Ages ago."

Nick jumped up out of his seat immediately. "What! When!"

"Months…months ago." She closed her eyes for a moment, remembering. "It was when I first found out I was pregnant, and I went to see my doctor. He was standing at the desk beside me in the surgery."

Duncan pounced. "Did he say anything? Do anything unusual?" he peppered her.

Suddenly Jennifer shuddered remembering the encounter. Her hand went to her mouth as she gasped, the memories coming flooding back. She nodded to Duncan as she took Nick's hand. "He asked me where the boys were," she replied, her voice barely a whisper. She turned to Nick and fell into his chest and he wrapped his arms around her. "Oh my God," she cried. "He's got him." All her training, all her usual sensible reasoning when it came to a case was gone now that it involved her own family.

Duncan pounced again, shaking his head. "No Jen," he said strongly. "There's no proof of that." He reached a hand out kindly. "Now, did you know this man? Had you ever seen him before?"

Jennifer turned her head sideways on Nick's chest to look at Duncan and shook it ever so slightly. "No," she whispered. "I thought it was strange that he was asking me about the boys, but I just thought I must've seen him there before or something and he remembered me. I forgot about the whole thing after that day." She remembered how she'd had plenty of other things on her mind at the time.

"Is he seriously the one we're after?" Nick asked Duncan as he continued to hug Jennifer.

Duncan nodded slightly, trying not to let Jen see. "The teenage sister of one of the children taken gave the description and we came up with this facefit. She said it was a perfect match."

Nick exhaled, gritting his teeth and trying to remain stoic as Duncan went on. "But we found that kid Nick. He was fine. Don't worry. We're going to find Noah too."

Need to find a place

Guide us with your grace

Give us faith so we'll be safe

As the sun rose outside, heralding the start of another December scorcher, Nick and Jennifer sat in the semi darkness in Liam's bedroom. Jennifer sat on the floor, her back up against the wall near the bed head. Nick sat on the edge of an armchair that was positioned by the door. Neither spoke. They had nothing left to say right then. They just watched their son sleep, and tried not to look at the empty bottom bunk where Noah should've been.

Just before seven Liam woke and crawled out of his bed and down the bunkbed's ladder bewildered, wondering what his parents were doing in his room. He walked over to Nick, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and frowned. "Has Noah come back yet?" he asked in a little voice.

Nick stood up out of his chair and picked the boy up, not wanting to lie. "Not yet mate," he replied sadly. Jennifer stood up and met them by the door.

In Nick's arms Liam turned around to look at his mother, frowning further. "Can I go out and look for him with you?"

Jennifer's expression worsened. "No you should stay here with me sweetheart," she said, rubbing his back. "Dad's going to go out again and keep looking though."

The five year old sighed and looked over Nick's shoulder and out the door a second later when Duncan called for the detective. Nick turned the boy over to Jennifer and she collected him in her arms and the three of them walked out into the living room. The search team was ready now that it was first light again. Nick stooped down and kissed his oldest child on the cheek, and then his wife on the lips, then turned to follow the search group out the front door.

Jennifer hugged Liam to her as they watched the group drive away from the house. She wondered where there was left to look after all the searching done the previous day. Now were they just looking for a body? She prayed Noah was still alive.

I pray you'll be our eyes

And watch us where we go

And help us to be wise

In times when we don't know

Let this be our prayer

Half an hour later as Liam finished breakfast and Jennifer placed his bowl into the sink, she felt the same twinge she'd felt in the shower the night before. She held her breath for a moment and her hand went to her belly as she frowned with pain. She refused to believe it was anything to worry about, so when the pain disappeared she got Liam dressed and joined Stanley out on the front veranda.

"Are you going to the local station Sarge?" she asked.

"Most likely," he replied, nodding his head. "Unless they come back in the next hour or so."

"I'm going to come with you."

"Are you sure that's a good idea Jennifer?"

She wanted to throw her hands up in the air. "I can't stand to just wait around here for news. Let's do something. Let's chase some bloody leads."

"You remember you're not actually a serving member at the moment don't you?" he asked.

"Of course Sarge," she replied. "But I hate just pacing this place. I feel so helpless. I have to do something. If I can't be out there looking –" Stanley narrowed his eyes as if to say _no you most certainly will not._ "Then I want to be useful in some other capacity."

He knew he wasn't going to win the argument. "Okay. Twenty minutes and we'll go."

As Jennifer climbed into the seat beside Stanley she winced and let out a small groan of pain. He eyed her worriedly. She buckled her seatbelt any way, not missing a beat. "C'mon Sarge, let's go," she insisted.

Stanley turned the key in the ignition and they drove down the driveway, but at the gate, less than a hundred metres from the house, Jennifer groaned again, louder this time. Stanley put his foot on the brake. "No," he said steadfast. He pushed the gears into reverse.

"What? Sarge!"

"No," he repeated. "You're staying here. You're in no condition for this." He was not going to give in this time. He drove her back to the house. When they reached the top of the driveway again she reluctantly got out of the car, closed the door and then leaned through the open window before he drove off again.

"Please keep me informed Sarge," she pleaded.

"Of course I will Jennifer." He turned to one of the local constables who was hovering near the veranda, eying off the exchange. "Keep an eye on her," Stanley instructed him. The young man nodded seriously, and stepped up to be behind Jennifer, ready to lead her back inside. Satisfied, Stanley drove away.

Ushered back inside by the constable she had barely set foot inside the door when she doubled over in pain, letting out a yelp. The young man's eyes grew wide. "Are you all right detective?"

A tiny part of her was stoked that he addressed her as one of his own, rather than Mrs Buchanan. But the rest of her was focussing on the pain in her abdomen. She wasn't about to tell this uniform how she was feeling though. Besides, it was nothing. She'd done this twice before. She knew what pains were what. She straightened up and put a smile on her face. "I'm fine."

Worried, but respectful of her answer, the constable left her alone. The pain continued intermittently, and at one point she couldn't even get her breath for a few moments the pain was so intense. But when Nick returned just after 9am, she greeted him like normal, and then felt her heart sink further when he had no good news. She hugged him tightly, not for the first time that weekend. He whispered into her blonde hair. "Are you okay?"

She nodded into his chest. "Just find Noah, please."

Nick nodded, more determined than ever and the team yet again headed out. They were joined by more officers from Melbourne, plus Matt, Rhys and Allie.

Noah had now been missing almost twenty four hours.


	13. Chapter 13

Jennifer sat numbly at the kitchen table yet again, itching more than ever to leave the house, but lacking anywhere to go or anyone to go with. She knew the best place for her was right there, at the base of the search, but the inactivity killed her, and the more time that passed the more her head conjured up worse and worse scenarios.

Not long after the search team had left again with Matt, Allie and Rhys, Stanley returned to the house and joined her at the table, his face sympathetic and supportive. "I have bad news Jennifer," he began.

She looked up, stricken.

"Another child was reported missing overnight." Stanley frowned and went on. "Not far from here…the next district."

Jennifer exhaled and spread her hands out on the table in front of her, taking the terrible news in.

"Do you think they're going to find Noah?" she asked simply, only able to think of her own son, not anybody else's.

Stanley of course had no answer but the standard one he'd used on countless hopeful parents during many cases before. "I know they're doing their best to find him Jennifer."

She nodded, having used the same line herself on too many grief stricken families to count. They sat in silence once more.

"What if they can't though?" she asked fearfully.

Stanley frowned, not expecting her to give in so easily to worry. But she couldn't help it – she was thinking the worst now.

Jennifer continued. "You know them all Sarge," she said, her voice hushed, admitting what she never wanted to out loud. "The Beaumont's, Etan Patz, Madeleine McCann. What if one day people are saying Noah Buchanan in the same breath as they say Madeleine McCann?" The horror in her voice was obvious now.

And Stanley couldn't help but shudder a little. She was right. You couldn't help but think the worst when it came to children.

By 11:30 Jennifer was in too much pain to hide it anymore. When the young constable from earlier in the morning knocked on the bathroom door after noticing her absence for the last twenty minutes, she didn't stop him entering. She was leaning against the bathroom basin heavily, breathing hard, breaking a sweat. She didn't even say anything to the man when he looked at her, then bolted from the room.

A moment later Stanley entered, taking over. He put an arm around Jennifer's hunched back and spoke soothingly to her, like he was her father, or a doctor. And she instantly felt better upon hearing his voice. But the pain was still there. "I think it's time we left Jennifer. Come on." He went to help her to stand up straight, but she did it herself, shaking her head, indignant.

"No," she stood firmly on her own two feet, side on to the mirror above the sink. "No. We're miles from the hospital and I'm not leaving until they find Noah."

Stanley frowned. He should've known she'd be like this. "Okay detective." He kept a hand on her back just in case. "Let's just go and sit you down then." He had to make it seem like he wasn't pushing her – like it was all up to her.

But as they made their way out of the bathroom, the young constable behind them bringing up the rear, Stanley didn't even have to work any more on his secret motive. Jennifer's pain made the decision for them. Her knees buckled underneath her and she put her hands out to the hallway walls either side of her, scratching for a hand hold. She squeezed her eyes shut as the two men caught her, and let out a cry.

"It's okay Jennifer," Stanley whispered, helping her to the living room with the constable. To her credit she protested all the way there – so loudly that she didn't hear Stanley instruct another constable to call an ambulance, and put a possible helicopter transfer on standby. He wasn't taking any chances. Behind them the uniforms flurried about in a buzz of action, organising what he'd instructed as he led her to the couch and eased her down onto it. He sat down gingerly beside her and held her hand. He couldn't help himself, and asked a question he feared he might not like the answer to.

"Does it feel like contractions?"

She shook her head. That wordless answer was exactly what he'd been dreading. Although if she'd said yes too it would've been just as dire a situation. He knew she was not due yet. There was much to worry about. He signalled the constable over to him again and the young man knelt by the arm of the couch and listened intently to Stanley's words.

"Get on the radio and get Nick Buchanan back here. Tell him we're taking his wife to hospital."

The young man nodded his head vigouressly and jumped back up.

Stanley turned back to Jennifer. "It's okay Jennifer," he repeated. "It'll be okay."

When the call crackled through the squad car's radio no one was nearby to answer it. They'd parked at the top edge of a grassy slope, the decline dotted with jagged grey rocks and dry, sun baked grass. They were half way down the hill, some of them even further, when Duncan heard the second call. He sprinted back to the top, pumping his arms by his sides with the effort. His sudden running made the rest of the search team stop and watch after him, and they waited, staggered across the landscape, to see what the news was. Perhaps the boy had been found. At the bottom of the slope Nick noticed too, and held his breath, looking up the hill at his colleague as he slipped into the front seat of the car and picked up the radio receiver. He watched him answer the call, listen to the response and then speak into it again. And when he then turned to look directly back at him, Nick let his breath out.

"Nick! Nick get up here!"

Nick sprinted up the hill, his legs immediately burning from the effort. His muscles strained and pulled, yelling at him for the sudden intense exertion. But he just put his head down and ran, and when he reached Duncan he was out of breath like he hadn't run in a hundred years.

Duncan looked at him nervously. "They're taking Jen to hospital. They think she might be in labour."

Nick ran around to the passenger side and hadn't even shut the door before Duncan roared the car into life and sped back towards the weekender.


	14. Chapter 14

Duncan broke several speed limits driving back to the house, and the second the house was in view, two hundred metres down the road, he only went faster. He and Nick surveyed the scene before them in horror. A helicopter was hovering just above the ground out in the wide expanse of front yard – the wide expanse Noah had insisted he cover by himself and back to the house. It's propellers were starting to slow and it floated above the ground for a few seconds before it landed solidly on the grass. Jennifer was nowhere to be seen.

Duncan squealed the car to a stop hard in the gravel and Nick jumped out, running toward the house, the medics from the chopper right at his heels, wheeling a trolley bed with them. The gust from the propellers buffeted Nick's hair and plastered his clothes to him, and he had to squint to keep dust from getting into his eyes. But when he got up onto the veranda and burst into the house he could see his wife as clear as day.

And she heard him the moment he entered the room. The noise in there was unbelievable – with so many people around, the deafening way the helicopter's propellers slashed through the air just outside, Stanley and the paramedic's reassurances and instructions. It was a madhouse. But she saw Nick.

He dropped to his knees at her side the moment he was close enough and pulled her face to his to kiss her desperately. Then he moved down to grip her hand tightly, but was forced to stand up and let go only a second later when the paramedic's pushed their trolley between them. They helped Jennifer onto it in a flash, strapped her in and wheeled her quickly out of the house and into the outside world.

Nick jogged along beside her, managing to grab a hold of her hand again. He used his other hand to wipe away the tears on her cheeks. She was scared, and it split his heart in two to see her so frightened. After everything they'd been through, after all the agonising over whether to keep this baby, how they would manage with three kids, it couldn't all be coming apart now. Nick wanted to cry himself.

"You still haven't found him have you?" she asked as he ran alongside her along the grass.

He shook his head sadly in answer. "But I will. I promise." He felt torn. Stay behind and continue the search for his son, or go with his pregnant wife to hospital as she went into premature labour? He struggled to decide which situation was more dire, and immediately felt guilty at making himself choose.

"I love you," she wept as they reached the helicopter. She reached her arms up and around his neck and he hugged her tightly.

"I love you too," he whispered into her ear. He had to decide. "I'll be right behind you, I promise." He flashed a grin at her. "Don't have our little girl without me." I hope it's a girl. Please let it be a girl Nick thought.

And with that their hug was broken apart, and Jennifer raised a hand weakly and not very high in farewell as she was loaded into the chopper. Nick was forced to take a step back as they closed the hatch and the aircraft began to hover and lift off the ground. Duncan pulled him away further, and held him firmly by the veranda steps as they both watched the helicopter fly away. Nick took a deep breath and forced the lump in his throat down. There was still work to do.

He jogged with Duncan once again back to the car they had just got out of not five minutes before. Now the search for Noah was even more urgent. Nick had to get to Jen. When they were only metres from the car Nick's mobile rang shrilly in his pocket and he sprang in his step at the sound, so wound up was he. He slid into the passenger seat again as he answered breathlessly, and Duncan slid into the driver's seat.

"Hello?"

"Nick it's Allie."

"Have you found him?"

There was silence.

"ALLIE! Have you found him?"

"We've found one of his runners Nick. We can't be far off now."

Nick wanted to cry with relief at even just this small victory. "Where are you? Dunny and I are coming back now."

"We're a kilometre south of where you left from."

"All right we'll be there as soon as we can."

"Okay," Allie replied calmly. "And Nick…how's Jen? Is she okay?"

Nick exhaled as Duncan sped along the dirt roads again. "They've airlifted her to Melbourne…there's something wrong." He drew in a sharp breath in a bid to control his emotions, but it wasn't easy. He didn't want Jennifer to be alone during a time like this.

He could hear Allie sigh at the other end of the line. "Shit," was all she could say. "All right well, I'll see ya soon."

Nick hung up and looked out at the road ahead, hoping he was close to finding Noah now more than ever.


	15. Chapter 15

The helicopter ride didn't take long at all, and Jennifer was soon being wheeled into the hospital building she'd been booked into for six weeks time. They parked her in a private room in the maternity ward and got to work hooking her up to monitors as another nurse helped her into a hospital gown.

Not five minutes after she'd been settled, her doctor walked in with an expression on her face that gave away nothing. "What's happened here Jennifer?" she asked. "I was hoping I wouldn't be seeing you for a few more weeks."

Jennifer didn't answer as she began examining her. She just continued to fight her way heroically through the pain, trying to pretend it all wasn't happening. The doctor looked at her a few minutes later and frowned. "This baby is not going to wait. We're going to prep you."

Dammit why are all my children always in such a hurry to arrive? Jennifer thought fleetingly as she looked back at the doctor and remembered Liam's birth in particular. She pushed herself up to sit up a bit higher on the bed and shook her head as she began speaking. "Dr Kaplan I'm not going anywhere," she informed her boldly, leaving no room for negotiation. "I am not delivering this baby yet and I am not going to let you knock me out or take me into a theatre until Nick is here and I know Noah is all right."

Dr Kaplan frowned at her aggressive outburst, but kept her confusion to herself and simply spoke calmly in reply, disregarding what she'd stated about Nick and Noah. She stepped up closer to her bedside. "Jennifer. Your baby is not coping well with this. We can't prolong it."

But Jennifer shook her head stubbornly. "No."

"Jennifer – "

"NO."

Nick raced down the hillside towards Allie, and almost fell into her in his haste when he reached her. She produced the shoe and as he went to take it from her hands a wail pierced the afternoon air and both cops heads snapped up in the direction of the sound. Nick began running towards it without even thinking.

The wails continued and as he ran Nick knew within himself it was Noah, and his body went floppy from the relief. He staggered towards where a group of police and SES were huddled by a towering eucalypt. He burst into the huddle, pulling them all away from the bundle of wails that sat dejectedly on the forest floor.

Noah looked up at his father with tear filled eyes and immediately gave another wail as Nick knelt down to pick him up. Just the sound of the boy's cries finally assured Nick he was all right. He was just fine.

Nick held the boy tightly as they jogged back up the slope and to Duncan's car. He whispered reassurances soothingly into the little boy's ear and when they got back to the house he was relieved to hear the helicopter was on its way back to the property to take himself, Liam and Noah to join Jennifer.


	16. Chapter 16

Dr Kaplan ran a hand over her face in frustration. She watched as Jennifer grimaced through another contraction, arching her back in pain, her eyes squeezed shut so tightly she wondered if they'd ever open again, her face a serious shade of pink, her fists clenching the blankets ferociously.

"Jennifer I really – "

Jennifer shook her head. "Fifteen more minutes," she pleaded.

Dr Kaplan closed her eyes briefly. Never had she encountered such a strong willed patient.

"We need to get you ready at least, so that the moment your husband gets here we can wheel you into delivery."

Jennifer just nodded, allowing them to prep her. Her grip on the blankets remained.

A minute later a nurse entered and walked right up to Jennifer and beamed at her. "Your husband's coming in on the chopper. He'll be here in ten minutes."

The news made Jennifer open her eyes and she smiled at the doctor, celebrating her ridiculous victory. But as Dr Kaplan went to roll her eyes back at the mother whose two other children she had delivered, the monitors suddenly began squealing, beeping out of rhythm. Both the doctor and a nurse darted for them, frowning.

"We don't have ten minutes," Dr Kaplan insisted. She yanked up the rail at Jennifer's side while opposite her the nurse did the same, and before Jennifer could protest, they'd begun wheeling her out of the room.

"Wait, no...!" she wailed. "Nick isn't her-" She stopped mid sentence to writhe in pain, a pain so great that she gave in to her doctor and did not complete her protest. She was on her way to the delivery room whether Nick was there or not.

Nick sat squashed in the back of the helicopter with Noah on his lap. Beside him Duncan sat with Liam and they looked out over the helipad on the hospital roof as the imposing aircraft came in to land.

Nick bent his head down to speak to the boys. "You're going to hang out with Duncan when we land okay?" he informed them. The shocked boys just nodded, and Nick felt grateful Noah had no more than a grazed knee and a dirty face that needed seeing to, so he could leave him and Liam with Duncan and go straight to Jennifer without having to worry. "I'm going to go see Mum, and I'll be back as soon as I can."

The two children might've been squabblers and deafening squealers at their worst, but they were quiet and obedient of their father's instructions at their best. As the helicopter touched down and the door was opened, Nick unbuckled his seatbelt and kissed his sons goodbye, then ran to follow the medic who was gesturing to him on the tarmac.

They ran quickly across the helipad and into the building. The medic had been waiting for Nick's arrival and led him straight into a staff lift and pressed the button for the floor they needed. As they stood through the agonising seconds the lift took to reach the right floor the medic looked at Nick. "They've already taken her into theatre. They couldn't wait," he said softly.

Nick gulped. "Is she all right?"

The medic gave a short sharp movement of his head that was not a nod but also not a shake. He didn't want to worry the father, but he couldn't lie. "Every delivery is an emergency Mr Buchanan," he replied. The lift came to a stop. "Especially this one."

Nick looked the man in the eye for a moment then had to look away. It was too frightening. They started to jog again, down the hallway and into a side room. Another nurse was waiting for them, and she was holding out scrubs for Nick to step into. He did as she instructed and pulled them on quickly, then allowed her to tie a mask over his mouth and put a cap over his hair. Then she led him into the delivery room. He'd barely had a chance to take stock of what was happening when suddenly she was there, laid out on the gurney before him, her head on the pillows, her eyes closed in amongst her frown.

Nick leapt over and grabbed her hand, holding it with both of his. Through his mask he kissed her clenched fingers and it made her open her eyes. "Ready to do this Jen?" he smiled at her.

She couldn't smile back.

The more she pushed the more it seemed a struggle. Nick's eyes flicked between the doctor and Jennifer and he became more and more concerned. Finally Dr Kaplan spoke up.

"Jennifer you need to try harder," she said sternly.

"I can't. I can't," she gasped.

Nick squeezed her hand tighter and swept her fringe away from her clammy forehead. "C'mon Jen, you can do it."

She tried once more, but it was to no avail. Nick's eyes flicked back to the doctor at the end of the bed and he saw a nurse hand her a set of forceps.

"Come on Jennifer. Once more. We need to get her out asap." Dr Kaplan's voice was as cold as ice. She meant business.

"I can't," Jennifer cried out pitifully again, throwing her head back onto the pillows. "Just get her out!" she pleaded as she cried. "Can she breathe?" She turned her head towards Nick. "Nick what if she can't breathe!"

Nick had no time to think about how they weren't even sure it was a girl or a boy, yet Jennifer was referring to it as a girl. "Come on Jen." He didn't know what else to say.

"I can't push anymore," she howled, squeezing Nick's fingers together so tightly that they overlapped each other. Nothing could've prepared her for how hard this would be. Liam and Noah had been a walk in the park compared to this.

"Jennifer come on, one more," Dr Kaplan instructed with the utmost authority. "I think the cord is wrapped around the neck – _you need to push some more."_

But Jennifer shook her head in defeat. "I can't," she whispered it this time.

Dr Kaplan reached for the forceps by her side and stricken, Nick had to look away. He focussed instead on his wife and not until he heard Dr Kaplan speak again did he dare look down that end of the bed.

"All right," she said in a monotone, handing the tiny bundle to the other nurses.

Nick stood up straight and couldn't suppress his gasp at what he saw. "Oh my God." Jennifer's fingers slipped slowly out of his.


	17. Chapter 17

The cord was indeed wrapped around her neck, and her skin was a corpse grey. Her miniature head was dented from the forceps and her limbs hung limply through the fingers of the nurses hands who was holding her.

She was the little girl he'd always wanted, but she looked lifeless.

"What?! What is it?" Jennifer screeched, trying to sit up. But Nick and another nurse stepped in, keeping her lying down. Nick stood defiantly by her side, squeezing her hand and not letting her look at anything or anyone else but him. "Nick! What's wrong?" she cried, her eyes frantic.

"It's okay Jen, just let them work on her," he said.

"It's not okay! Why isn't she crying!" Jennifer sobbed loudly. "Nick why can't I hear her?"

He looked back down at her, tearing his eyes away from where they were working on the infant. He'd never seen her look so scared and knew he had the same look in his own eyes. And he had no answer for her. He just held her hand and kissed her fingers over and over.

Several minutes later, after they had reintroduced colour to the infant's skin, Nick was ushered from the room, assured that everything was okay and that Jennifer would be fine and she would be up to recovery soon. He didn't want to leave, and unhappily parted hands with Jennifer, and then left a longing stare towards the baby on the other side of the room, as they rubbed her body into life. The nurse had difficulty leading him away, but once he was out of the room and into the hallway again he turned Nick over to Duncan, who got up immediately from the bench where he was sitting with Liam and Noah, feeding them well earned lollies after their hard day.

Nick yanked off his mask and cap as he walked in shock towards his friend.

"What happened mate?" Duncan asked, just out of ear shot of the boys.

Nick's face remained serious and shattered. "They're still working on her," he warbled. "She had the cord wrapped around her neck."

"Oh Nick." Duncan put a hand to the man's shoulder and gave it a squeeze.

Nick let out a long breath and ran a hand over his face before he spoke again. "We just find Noah and now this…" he muttered. "Jesus Christ, I think I'm going to have a fucking heart attack soon." He collapsed onto a nearby chair.

Not a moment later a nurse stuck her head out into the hallway and looked up at where Duncan stood worriedly over Nick. "Mr Buchanan?" she called.

Both men looked up, their faces filled with trepidation. But the nurse was smiling. She stepped out into the hallway fully. "Did you want to come back in quickly before we take your wife up to the ward?"

Suddenly Nick got his energy back. Duncan smiled knowingly as he sprung up out of the chair he'd fallen into and almost ran over to where the nurse was standing. She led him back into the delivery room.

"Is she okay?" he asked as they walked through a second set of doors before the room where Jennifer lay.

"Your daughter?"

Nick nodded.

"Yes, she's fine."

Nick almost cried, relief flooding his veins. He entered and walked over to his long suffering wife, never loving her more than he did at that moment. He bent over her and placed a kiss on her parched lips. She kept him close to her for a moment by wrapping her arms tightly around his neck, just like she had when they'd said farewell before she'd been bundled away into the chopper. She clung to him desperately and cried happy tears, relieved everything was all over.

"Don't worry about anything," he whispered into her shoulder. "Noah's fine…." They pulled apart and together looked up and over at the nurse coming towards them with their daughter in her arms. "…and she's fine too." He could hear Jennifer loudly exhale, finally reassured. She wouldn't have believed it from anyone else but Nick.

On the other side of them another nurse helped to raise Jennifer's bed so that she was sitting up more and she shuffled painfully over a little to make room for Nick. The nurse placed the tiny infant in her mother's arms and Nick sat gently on the edge of the bed beside them. The proud parents both looked down at the baby, now a healthy shade of pink. She was just the right tonic to calm the both of them down and bring them down off the involuntary high they'd been on for the last 48 hours.

She was beautiful. Tears streamed silently down Jennifer's cheeks. She looked up at Nick and knew he too was lost for words.

Along comes a baby girl

And suddenly my little world

Just got a whole lot bigger

Yes it did

"I knew we could do this Jen," Nick whispered as they watched their daughter sleep. "I knew _you _could do this." He leaned over to kiss her again, leaving a warm, affectionate smudge on her forehead as she continued to look down at the baby in her arms. "You're so much stronger and better at everything than you realise."

She smiled tiredly at him, content at last. Their family was together, it was complete, and they loved each other more than they could have ever imagined. Days like these were pretty damn good, Jen thought.

Songs used, by chapter

1 – Wife and Kids, Kenny Chesney

2 – When a Man Loves a Woman, Michael Bolton

5 – Wife and Kids, Kenny Chesney

8 – Forever and Always, Taylor Swift

8 – You Make Me Happy, Clare Bowditch

8 – You Make Me Happy, Clare Bowditch

8 – Everybody Hurts, REM

11 – The Prayer, Andrea Boccelli

12 – The Prayer, Andrea Boccelli

12 – The Prayer, Andrea Boccelli

17 – Without You, Keith Urban


End file.
